Prayer 1

part of a prayer

What I could remember

As it poured along with my tears

Effortlessly out tonight

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I give you my anger

I give you my heartache

I give you my fear 

I give you my pain

May you be my comfort

May you be my guide

May you be my heart

May you be my strength

May you be my everything 

Fill me with your acceptance

Fill me with your love

Fill me with your joy

I give you my vulnerability

I give you my deepest true self 

I give you my life completely 

Take it all and wash me clean

I keep learning my lesson

in humility

Over and over

Just when I think I know something

I have really got it

It all comes down flat in front of my face

And I get kicked to the curb by my own ego and issues

And I also get so tired of playing these games

It doesn't have to be this way

It can all be divine. Can't it?

I've seen it before.

For small persiods of time

In yoga

While meditating

Definitely while doing drugs

Sex

Looking into the eyes of a baby, young child or deeply loved one.

But life seems to get hard sometimes

So here is where existential me must prove what I believe

Do I believe it

Do I believe my own role

The role I am trying to play

That in my believing that it can come easy

Truly giving myself to that belief

Will really make it so

I don't know

Right now that seems unbelievable lol

So I'm a bit selfish maybe

I live in my own world

Maybe people take it the wrong way

But I don't mean to be exclusionary 

I'm just happy in my own head

And once you cross my path 

I'm happy to entertain you

So long as you don't alter my inner state

If you do I will feel compelled to go back to my inner state as soon as possible

Which will make entertaining you further torturous

I can do it though

And be honest and genuine

But at some point it will physically hurt to do so

Because I won't be enjoying it
If you are making it difficult for me
But

If you bring happiness 

If you bring your shining light
If you bring your heart

Then I will gladly give you my time

Gladly share with you my space 

As long as I have time to give 

You're just competing with way too many things right now though 

I'm sorry

It's the bane of modern existence

All the conveniences a person can possibly dream of and so little time to really enjoy it all. Pushed, and pushing ourselves to extremes. To survive. To get the things we tell ourselves must be done done. To make the most out of living. 

I stand with the belief that it takes so much less for us to be happy than we think it does and means so much more. And I feel I can at least live that for myself in my deepest innermost soul (since I can't seem to find it much elsewhere). Maybe it would be easier if we all just be quiet more often and slowed the fuck down sometimes.  I really don't get all the fucking blather and riga-ma-role. It's exhausting. It's useless. It ads to the drama of life no real substance. At least not that much as far as I can gather.

Why can't you just love yourself

I've liked almost everyone I've ever me

Or at the very least I've rarely ever felt ill will for anyone

My issues are trying not to mirror unhappiness and /or anger

And not feeling pity or aggravation

Because I can only take so many high horses at a time

And then the facade cracks

And the anger comes forth

Lol

Just kidding

It's not a facade at all actually

It's that I have different facets of me

And one facet PMS'

And just gets aggravated at the build up of misogyny

And micro-aggressions

I sense in the world sometimes.

Real or imagined

My real issue I think

is that

I wish you all loved yourselves

And accepted yourselves. Your faults

Forgave yourselves from a place of depth and honesty

And once you have that happiness for yourself

It is very hard to try to keep others from theirs


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What am I talking about?

I get so lost

I can see a million ways to the same point

I can see almost all ways

I can see that they can be and are just as valid

Or how they can be also contradicted

Or how the can be seen as abhorrent by supposed "nornal" standards

But they got there for a reason

Everyone gets to where they are for a reason

And once you see that

It becomes almost completely understandable

And even logical

It really does

What do I know though

The few times I've shined my light

Super bright for others to see

It hasn't always been met so well by all

It's been met mostly by fear

Their own fear projections

Either for myself

Or for themselves

 or worse yet

It's been met with jealously

Maybe I've just got to commit to it

No. I don't know actually what exactly it would take.

I venture to say that I need to slow down

I need to take life one moment at a time and that

No matter how much time it takes

No matter what gets missed

Or what does gets done and attended to

That I truly let go of all the unnecessary

No more future

No more past

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It's a glorious way to be

When we all pitch in

And help each other out

Work together

Really get to know each other

And accept each other

Does the devil gain more power by having it concentrated

All to itself (himself?)

Or by dividing it amongst us humans

I don't know if I want to know