Hypocrisy

we all suffer from it

Mild variations to wild showings of it

All day long really

We simply make justifications

Unwittingly most times

Knowingly very, very few

Which makes hypocrisy probably one of the most common ills of our species

Along with lying and selfishness of course

Hand in hand (most oft)

I try so hard

To not do this

But sometimes I fail miserably

And sometimes I fail without being able to stop myself

This happens A LOT when I'm PMS'ing

And/or in full migraine mode

Where everything and everyone just crawls up my nerves

Where the only solace seems to come from barricading myself in my room

Dimming the lights

And resting away the day

Hormones are a bane

I see the necessity

Biologically speaking.

I understand it

But emotionally

The tirade hormones subject me to

Is at times so difficult to overcome

That's it's almost comical

Case in point

I found myself taking out my pretend gun (index finger pointed) at a driver yesterday that tailgated me

Then proceeded to pass me way too close for comfort and then decided to slow down to a crawls pace.

Where most days this would be fodder for laughter yesterday it sent me in a tizzy

And I shot at them

Which then got my daughter to say what a good influence I was being to the toddler

Which then got me thinking of all the stickers I have on my car of love and gratitude

And how some days

I can't carry that load

Some days I have to take out my pretend gun and shoot someone

I have compassion for myself

Through it all though.

I try at least

Maybe one day I'll learn to best these hormonally caused mood swings

I have hope for that

But.

I recognize also that

I can't entirely blame hormones for my periods of hypocrisy

I have being human to blame for that;

rationalizations.

It's a mind of matter thing really. No?

It takes being always mindful

Always on guard

Always fighting the tide of selfishness

And that unfortunately

Is probably never ending.

I find it easier to stem that tide when I try to come at all things with compassion, acceptance and love

But I'm sure everyone is entitled to off days. Lol

Just REFUSE

I refuse to believe in things that don't make sense to me

I'm not a fucking idiot

I have an IQ far above average in fact**

But sometimes things "just don't make no sense" - as old time farmers and westerners used to say in those old west movies.  No idea if it's true. Would like to think so; but I wasn't there and this  stuff has been put into history quite well with stories of old. I'm sure there are even language/colloquial dialogues of the time well documented somewhere.. Guess its just a matter of who you believe always.

I have a right to believe WHOEVER I want. It's my life. It's my body. It's my environment. I should have some control over it. Period!  The only caveat is that I can not impose my views on anyone else's life; except my own children at most and not always if I am harming them more than not.*

End of fucking story.


*yea right. Like that would ever happen. I give my life for this girls and have absolutely no issues doing it. At all! Doesn't mean I can't still take care of me too in the process. I always try to make things a win/win. And why the hell not?  Answer me that.

I don't have to go around hurting ANYONE just to get what I want. No!  It isn't necessary. You just Havyo keep trying. You have to keep trying to do all things in love. Hard as hell and yet so intimately and ultimately  simple.

**I was tested far above average in High School. So. I've lost a few brain cells along the way. A)  No more so then people tend to lose as they age and B) I can feel them rejuvenate (literally) when I meditate or am in deep yoga/Thai chi.  -  Look.  I'm not going to be on jealousy anytime soon; maybe wheels of fortune and that's at best. Lol. It's not that I think I am inherently smarter (because I don't think that's the case at all) it's that I comprehend things sometimes a little better than most people do. But that comprehension is easy to see when you just open your heart and even the "dumbest"  people on earth can usually understand that one (inherently sometimes).

Jihad

i am a jihad*

I am on a spiritual quest

And I have no idea where this quest will lead

But if I let go of my ego

My pride

My vanity

My fears

My demons

Long enough

To let Compassion

Humility

Acceptance

Patience

Love

Lead the way

To suspend my judgement of all things; good and bad

Then maybe I have a chance at something great

Maybe

I can fulfill my hearts true greatest desire

To be back at one with God

With (my) divinity

of all of these things

It's the humility that is the hardest for me

Personally

But hey....

I'm game

Let's see how it goes

All aboard

The Peace Train (homage to Cat Stevens)


*not in the militant sense

What makes you happy?

do you know?

There are prominent psychologist who say the average person

Has absolutely no idea how to be happy

Truly happy

That once we make a choice in life

We proceed to be unhappy with it

And if we switch choices that unhappiness

Follows us like a plague

So it stands to reason that it isn't circumstances

That truly make us happy

It's simply allowing ourselves to be happy that does it

Every time!

Love everyone

I love

And I love

And I try to love even more

And I falter

And I waver

And I have a hard time with it sometimes

But I always recover

Pick myself up

Dust myself off

Stopping short of a high five

And keep on going

Keep on trying

Keep on learning

Keep on growing

Keep on trying to evolve into a better person

It's either that or wallow

Maybe the decks seem sometimes

Stacked against me

What else is there to do

But pray for love

Pray for truth

Pray for salvation

On earth as it is in heaven

(As close as it can realistically be at least)

If God accepts me....exactly as I am...who am I to not follow suit

Living life always in your truth

Doesn't mean you won't ever have a misstep

You won't ever have a trial and tribulation

It means you live open and aware

So you know what's going on

So you can see the truth*

We are all God's beautiful creatures

Every single one of us

In our own unique way

I have faith

That one day we may all find our way back home

To our hearts

To our souls


------------------


*And it is each other's job

Here on earth

to walk each other home

In the light

in the truth

Otherwise

Why would you crave

Not being alone

Truly alone

Deep in your soul**

---------------


**But to fulfill it with God

Makes you truly never alone

And that is the greatest happiness one can ever have

To know deep in our soul

We are loved

Just as we are

In all our glory

Uggghhhhhhh

I am so fucking horny right now!!!


(Just needing to have a moment to vent right now......sorry.  I do feel slightly better)

Ode to First Street

Disregard this

It's just for me to safekeep this for my own records

A stitch in time (no pun intended; I did like that book)

I'm all for keeping things the same

And I'm all for them changing too

My only point is

Why can't we compromise each just a tiny bit

And find the win/win

Ode to First Street

Picturesque street

Probably one of the few places to see the fall season in Long Beach with all the colorful leaves that hit the floor amidst the palm fronds

First street has a way of filling one with a very tangible sense of safety and security 

A welcome albeit false sense amid a very urban backdrop

To the wide street within the beach city without a beach vibe 

The ultra inviting bicycle friendly street 

With dog walkers at almost every hour of the day or night 

I miss the Halloween mayhem

The dozens of kids piling out of one car

The smiles and laughter that heralded the holiday season

And warmed my heart with the feeling of neighborly generosity and festivity

A way for the poor children of the surrounding neighborhoods to get out of their blight for one night and get treats and smiles from those more fortunate than themselves and feel the warmth of their giving. 

With houses decorated so beautifully. 

Thanks for all the sweet memories

The fireworks and parades

The cool ocean breezes 

The smiling faces of neighbors known and unknown

I miss seeing people partake of my children's hopscotch chalk-art

The lazy late afternoons on the front porch with a glass of wine watching the people stroll by and lollygagging around with my porch neighbors

I loved first street the minute I saw it

Riding my bike down it feeling on top of the world 

And I felt so fortunate to live there

Missed and never forgotten

Who could not love living there?

Happy holidays everyone!

Come-up

I fully agree

That people shouldn't cheat

Shouldn't scheme

Lie

Skirt the systems

But if they do

Then what?

There is nothing to do but have acceptance

That these things and more

Worse

Happen

All the time

In all places of stress

All areas of too many people and not enough thoroughways

Not enough enclaves and diversions that can be gotten to easily

Not enough ease and comfort

Not enough accolades or accoutrements

But then again

Evil

Malvolances

Have happened since the dawn of time

We have been told

Right?

But what if this is wrong?

No thanks

i just don't want to be part of anyone's spectacle anymore

Not even my own most times

I just want to rise above it

Not because I'm better than it or anyone in it

Simply because I don't desire to get involved in it

I don't want the stress

The worry

The tension

The trauma

Although

I do like the happiness

The tribulations

The beauty of comraderie

But how do you achieve comraderie

Without exclusion

Of some sort

That's what I have not yet gathered

That lesson doesn't seem to exist in this world

So until I figure that out

No thanks

I'll just do my own thing

And you please do your own

And leave me be

If you could please

And I will try and do the same for you

So...

If we do chance to meet

Let them be only on the most real and hopefully pleasant of circumstances

Let it be so

Choices = Freedoms

Everyone always

And every single thing

Is trying to lead you down some path

Consciously

Unconsciously

Willingly

Unwillingly

Such is life

Life is a journey that way

But you always

Always

Have a choice

Having freedom to make that choice

Those choices

That's real freedom

Where do we draw the line?

I don't know

I only know we have them drawn wrong

Not with man's soul in mind

Not with the intention of love

And that right there is the main problem.

What's New?

what can be said in the realm of spirituality that hasn't been said already?

A million times before

And a million times better I'm sure

Nothing

Absolutely nothing

It's all there

All the underpinnings of successfully navigating

Through life is there

Under the false rules and masquerades they call religion

Lies a truth far greater than any lies

The truth of how to live in peace and true happiness

The truth about how to live connected to love/God

The truth about our deepest needs and desires and how to fulfill them

Healthily and easily

Through our own inner light and guidance

Through our own story of love

We each have our own imprint

Our own saga

What will yours be?

Make it your own. Make it real.

Make it magical

Make it one of a kind

Make it full of love

And life

And living

Psycho-cybernetics - Maxwell Maltz

We have to realize

Or begin to realize

That we pick the situations we fall into

A lot of them

For a reason

To "fix" some past trauma

To "fix" a situation once and for all

It all harkens back to our childhood

And our self esteem issues

Some say even past lives

The book lays it out in plain English.

If you make bad decisions

Especially with partner situations

Read it

And really get to know yourself

If you want the chaos

Fine

But at least be aware of your complicity

And subconscious desires

Divorce is hell

Musings on getting divorced

I can say that most peoples reasons for getting divorced

barring mental, physical, emotional and financial abuse

are bad

but then again

most peoples reasons for getting married generally are pretty bad too

so what hope is there really?  lol

So... I can only speak from my own experience

Is marriage difficult?

Hell yes

but divorce reigns upon you a special form of torture

and it's like having kids

It really isn't explainable

You genuinely have to go through it yourself

to completely get it

Even still.

Now that I'm getting over the resentment

The anger. The pain

The heartache and disappointment

Be it ever so slowly

In equal proportion the care I felt for him in the first place

comes back

Maybe more cautiously

With boundaries and caution tape everywhere

But it's there

And it makes me realize

That you go through the expense and trouble of getting married for a reason

What at the time you thought was good enough reason to

Just because time passes and feelings sometimes change

Does it mean it's a bad reason now?

It just means you need to adjust your reasons maybe

As you adjust. As you grow

So must your love adapt

Let them not be like my needed adaptations though.

In cyclical waves of mass fury

or lulls of massive depression

If you can avoid that.

Maybe it's worth considering if you've got a good thing after all?

Don't take into account always what you don't have

Be grateful and satisfied with what you do have

As long as you have the basic necessities*

And love (respect/compassion) given and received

What else is needed in life?


*which will be as individual as a person or a snowflake (I don't care what scientist say).

Don't live in the past

I realized tonight that even good memories

Nostalgia

Twinges at the heart even if ever so gently

And resembles pain

I would have to say

So imagine then what bad memories do to you

I'm not saying ignore it

If it still needs to be dealt with; deal with it

But otherwise find HEALTHY ways to let it go

Geeky

I've always been a geek.

I like learning things

Contrary to popular belief*

I love school and higher learning or any really

This pre-dates collecting stamps

And learning HTML before I even knew it had a name

Back in 1986

When they were not user friendly whatsoever

And it would be a big paperweight without learning HTML

Too bad I got discouraged from it

That's always been my problem

I care way too much what people think

But I'm stopping now

Because you simply can't please everyone and I'm really done trying

It's about time I stepped out of my own shell

And stopped being a scared turtle

I'm sure it will be an odd sight to see

Since turtles don't normally do that sort of thing




*since I ain't got no higher education than a hick community college almost degree...yaw haw

Too much Gloria Gaynor

I am all for women and rah rah us. Yes. All that

But I'm done being a doorknob anymore

I'm done not being numero uno

Not just at lip service

But in actuality

The real deal

Best friend extraordinaire

The best of them all

Let there be flocks of them that love you

But let there be only one me and you

And let it be a healthy and happy

Please let it be a

Blessed union on mutual cheerleader/

I can count on you always status (blind or seen)

All along the way

To Donald Trump

You don't need a wall at the Mexican border

There's already a wall there

In people's hearts

That's the strongest wall their is

And people build them willingly

Laying brick by brick themselves

(You can decide if fear ruins your life

One piece of stone at a time)

And so you give them the materials

(News, anecdotes, trauma; real or imagined)

And they run with it

But it doesn't have to be this way

Instead of building walls

You could use those exact same materials

To build bridges instead

Because let's all be really serious here

No matter who comes in

Hillary, Donald, Ronald McDonald

They will not be helping us build bridges

Only more walls

(And stop with  the bs foreign policy crap; yes it's important to help stabilize everyone's economy to some degree even if it is through or it seems to be with lies and manipulation. Why proclaim a country and leave it to be impoverished and half abandoned with services; like medical one?  Why rob a country of its natural resources paying the wrong people the wrong money/arms?  Why do we have such a need to control other countries politics and politicians (do we fear more Kim Jong-un's?). Why wouldn't counties hate us?  We proclaim oh so boastingly to be the best country on earth and we have an uncultured bunch of wealthy autonauts running the country; not truly investing in anything that counts in this country; good jobs, affordable and good, covers-everything healthcare, much better and much cheaper education options, did I mention good jobs with good benefits like paid maternity/paternity, vacation mandated at least 6weeks paid-defaulted if not taken. Not taking care our one and only planetary host right now; by being truly good stewards. WE ARE LAUGHABLE. Our children don't know global politics, global customs, global anything....so rah rah America they can't see beyond heir own noses. Even when they themselves hate the US; they are no better people. They are not people that always genuinely speak from their hearts. Some are, maybe a whole lot aren't though.  lol. Don't be scared. With more military stations around the world than most countries have cities and most rural towns have street lights we aren't getting overtaken anytime soon. We are a powerhouse; even with Russia leading the cyber war, the Middle East and its ilk being supplied with massive weaponry and somehow getting supplied with nerve gasses and other deadly biochemical weapons. North Korea testing atomic bombs...........)


 It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood......won't you be my neighbor?-Mr. Robinson

Peace Train - Cat Stevens version is quintessential of course but I have to give a very favorable nod to the gorgeous harmonizing vocals of Yusuf Islam's version.

It's not a political problem. It's not a global problem. It is a spiritual problem. . It's an individual's stance. When we all open our hearts to each other and build those bridges for ourselves; politics will have no choice but to follow suit. Let's all stop being so fucking scared. Could we?  Let's all stop letting life stress us out?  It isn't worth it. You have one go at this thing called life. This is it people. No dress rehearsals. No do-overs. Go forth and be merry. Go forth and be loving. Go forth and be peace.  Go forth and be with God.

Enough with the lies

If you are lying to protect yourself from danger

For a condition that you are truly not at fault for

And you have no other method to control the situation

No other way out but to lie or deceive

Then so-be-it

If you are lying to help lift someone up

And out of their own way

Because nothing else seems to work

Then so-be-it

As long as neither of these two lies cause serious harm to another person

Then maybe in these very specific circumstances lies can be acceptable

But barring these specific situations

I don't see a rationale for lying
lol
Even white lies are a detriment to society

To ourselves

To reality

No good can come from lies

From lying

From deception

No good at all

And what "good" does come

Is so tainted that it is empty and fruitless

Devoid of real happiness

***************

People wonder so much about their misery

And yet to me it is so clear

It usually involves a few key components

Lies

Selfishness

Ingratitude

Pessimism/Cynicism

Laziness

Fear

One or all of these things

In all their many masqueraded forms

It's not hard really

It just takes taking a very hard look inside

Which most people are simply far too afraid

And not want to do

Buddhist Nature

There are always parts that I resonate with in every religion.

In the Buddhist I like that all is practice.

Even washing dishes

When done with love

With a happy heart

It is all dharma

It's all part of your teaching

The learning

The active part of being in God

It is all holy

I suppose even taking a shit would be

Why the heck not?

I've had some royally good ones. Lol

I know not

I don't know why things happen the way they do

Nor do I even know what the heck is going on sometimes

In the background

But I always know God

And with that I get so much comfort

I don't have to be blind to the atrocities of the world

In fact quite the opposite

I must follow my heart

Follow the lightness that is love

I do what life/God/love requires me to do

And I do it with a happy heart

Trying to make the world a better place

And allowing that sometimes I may fail

And still;

I do not follow hate

I do not follow fear

I only go llow love/God/Divinity

And with that I am truly free

----
This is the master plan at least. 

The truth will be revealed

Eventually

Usually

It tends to happen

That truths get revealed

They are like water or plagues

Simply unstoppable sometimes really

But even when they do get blocked they get revealed at death

Because death is nothing more than a stripping off of the masks we use in life

To the reality of what lies beneath

Love/Hate

I have so many love/hate relationships

Funny enough they've usually only either with male partners or with establishments

Right now I must rant against academia and science

It takes itself far too seriosuly

And in that arrogance misses advancements

Misses getting new ideas and points

Because they haven't been "validated" by academia

Things based in both facts and common sense

I'm not sure who more to blame

The ones that have sold out to corporations and greed/all the goodies to be had

Or the ones that in such staunch defense of the establishment they don't see the damage the status quo has brought upon the world, our people's, our nation, our families, our health, our future.

I'm not asking for agreement

God knows that will never fully happen

But I'm asking for hard facts based upon the common good

I'm asking for no one and nothing to be harmed

I'm asking doctors and scientist to stop playing God

Unless it's for the direct benefit of mankind
And CAN NOT be used against us

I know. It's asking for the impossible.

It's all just gone to far to reign back in. Hasn't it?

Unless we each...all of us...individually

Take it upon ourselves to change.

To be the change we want to see

To be the people we want to live with

To be the Pureness in our hearts

That we see....deep down inside.

Then what can be expected of the establishments really?

*******
Doctors/scientist need to stop viewing themselves as Gods

You've probably all experienced

A death that shouldn't have happened

A birth or saving that seemed impossible

God works through you

You are of God

As is everyone else

You are not God

Love/Hate

I have so many love/hate relationships

Funny enough they've usually only either with male partners or with establishments

Right now I must rant against academia and science

It takes itself far too seriosuly

And in that arrogance misses advancements

Misses getting new ideas and points

Because they haven't been "validated" by academia

Things based in both facts and common sense

I'm not sure who more to blame

The ones that have sold out to corporations and greed/all the goodies to be had

Or the ones that in such staunch defense of the establishment they don't see he damage the status quo has brought upon the world, our people's, our nation, our families, our health, our future.

I'm not asking for agreement

God knows that will never fully happen

But I'm asking for hard facts based upon the common good

I'm asking for no one and nothing to be harmed

I'm asking doctors and scientist to stop playing God

Unless it's for the direct benefit of mankind
And CAN NOT be used against us

I know. It's asking for the impossible.

It's all just gone to far to reign back in. Hasn't it?

Unless we each...all of us...individually

Take it upon ourselves to change.

To be the change we want to see

To be the people we want to live with

To be the Pureness in our hearts

That we see....deep down inside.

Then what can be expected of the establishments really?

*******
Doctors/scientist need to stop viewing themselves as Gods

You've probably all experienced

A death that shouldn't have happened

A birth or saving that seemed impossible

God works through you

You are of God

As is everyone else

You are not God

It's OK

You may very well never come to fully understand another persons trajectory in life

But if you open your heart you will always understand

Their joys

Their pains

Their suffering

Maybe it's pretentious

Silly and/or

Well deserved pain

You think they are suffering

But tell me

If someone where to look at your pain
And say the exact same thing about yours

Would it still invalidate it?

Would it no longer exist?

Would your pain no longer have any value simply

Because someone doesn't think it does?

No! So then.... (extrapolate please)

Can you open you're eyes to it.

Limited free will?

We have free will

In that we get to chose

Who and what we dedicate our lives to at any given time

Money

Children

Work

Drugs

Partner

God

Science/Academia

Etc.

But....

Once that conscious (or unconscious) choice has been made

Do we then give up our free will

to that thing?

Be it an addiction

A cause

A person

A God

It's the most beautiful thing really

To have the burden of free will lifted 

The weight of wrong and right

Of constant judgement by ourselves and others

When you follow your heart

Follow the path of love

Which truly is the path of least resistance

(When you get out of your own way)

It all becomes so easy

But because you don't normally know ahead of time

What must be done

You never know what will be asked of you.

So then it still remains always your choice to follow your hearts call

So my main question is....

When you follow God's path

Are you truly and completely relinquishing your free will?

I suppose that can be seen as perhaps being the case

But as long as we are true to ourselves

True to our beliefs

Then we will always have free will to fall back on; to question. 

When we need/if we need

It isn't blindly doing what we believe God would want

With no say in the matter of our own;

rather I believe It is quite the opposite

It's reflecting on what our hearts desire is

What love dictates for us; through us

And doing that

BY CHOICE

As best we can

As much as we can

When we can; which theoretically should be always

Therefor I believe that falls in the free will zone; so.....

Free will yourself some peace and happiness

I dare ya!

So many conundrums

Our ego/social/psychological nature likes us with like people

It's a scientifically proven fact

And yet our biological and breeding nature wants us to procreate with men of different gene pools to increase/improve  the genetic coding in our offspring

Such a problem

What's the solution?

People like to live surrounded by like people

My answer?

Segregation by ideologies

It's the best way

Not walls

Not colors

Not ethnicities

No. only ideologies

That would make us an at once separate and yet still very much together societally

Now. How should we divide the world?  Lol

Note to kids

don't ever let the world

Take down your inner sunshine

Let it flow

Let it grow

Make your world yours alone

(Not in the sense of loneliness. In the sense of living it by your beliefs. The ones you know in your heart to be true. The ones that bring you the closer to God. The closer to loving all of yourself and all of humanity. The ones that tug at your heart and not your head. Listen always to the souls voice that beats within.)

And never let them take it away.

Never

No one

Ever.

Symbolism

Why is there so much symbolism in religion?

Because it's hard to describe the indescribable 

In layman terms

Or anyone's terms really.  Lol

Heaven is pure love and exhalation. There is no need for faith because it simply is. 

Hell is pure doubt, fear and subjugation 

This is true in life

Just as it is the afterlife

Just in a more literal sense in the hereafter

A place you don't leave really

Unless it's to be born or to run errands. Lol

Insignificant

I know.

I am nothing

We are all so truly insignificant

in the grand scheme of eternity

in the realm of infinity

we are not even a speck upon a speck upon an microscopic speck

The ripple caused by the tiniest pebble of a soul we have

is virtually unoticable in the vastness

of all that is

and yet

I AM

you are

here we are

We each have a need

to be validated in this role we play

to be accepted

to be loved

and so we roar

we moan

we beseech

we proclaim

and yet

we continue to be insignificant

I can't tell you what to do

how to grasp and deal with such a perplexing dilemma

I can only tell you that when you connect to the vast infinite eternity that is love

God's love

as let it spill over you

let it fill you're every crevice and deep dark passages

let it engulf your every sense

guide your every word

inspire your every action

quiet your every raging thought

you realize that you are part of something beyond measure

beyond all quantification

*****

The easiest way I've found to tap into that source

is through complete forgiveness, unending acceptance/compassion and unconditional love

first towards oneself

and once mastered

it will automatically shine on everything else*

It's not a necessarily easy endeavor....

but it is the only true shot at deep, permanent peace and happiness

that we have

and I can be thankful and live in gratitude for that

knowing that inside me

is all I need to make this life a true heaven on earth

and I am thankful for that

every day is one more day to chose love

to touch the divine

to give my life to the only true calling

to the glory that is living

when we simply follow our hearts




*probably couldn't stop it if you tried

transgender

Part of me truly believes that the majority of the issue stems from environmental disruptors:

GMO's, pesticides, and countless other environmental toxins/chemicals

disrupting our very sensitive endocrine system

and reproductive systems and organs

and another part of me says

so fucking what

be whoever you want to be

if you feel like a woman great

if the next day you don't great too

you want to dress like a woman, fine

why does anyone care?

The Pope calls it a "War against Marriage"

which makes it seem like a giant conspiracy...

(and I thought I was slightly paranoid.  lol)

We are so gungho to keep the status quo going

we are so dire a need of constancy in our environment

a constancy which simply doesn't truly exist

So...

we create a pseudo normalcy to placate the fear life give us

with it's constant change and flux

but if we could just accept this flux and change as a part of life

and not hold so tight to falsities

in the name of righteousnous

enforcing this false constancy with laws and antiquated customs

It must be exhausting to have to cling so hard against the tide

Time

There is a time to eat

A time to rest

To play

To sing

To work

To pray

These times will present themselves

But

It is ALWAYS time to love

If you look deep inside

God will provide you the strength you need

To come from that place.....always

Quora

I've been obsessed wth this website as of late

Answering strangers questions

Who am I? Right

But it's so much fun

The writing is even less intuitive and useful as Blogger's

It's a real pain

But I enjoy the interaction

I enjoy challenging my own beliefs to myself

It's for me thinking a lot about God

my God

And I've come to this basic conclusion

God is like the ultimate tour guide

On this unchartered existence of mine

And the more I let God/love guide me

The more happiness I seem to find

Happiness beyond even my wildest expectations

Now if that isn't positive reinforcement I'm not sure what would be?

God: the ultimate teacher/parent/companion/friend etc

Who knew?

Well...lots of people I'm guessing

But now I know

And I hope I never unknow* this powerful truth

*yes I know that's not a word

Mental illness

I have a mental illness in that I want to trust everyone

And I want to believe them

I want to offer them a hand or a hello or even just a look of encouragement

If only in appreciation for them being who they are

No one is perfect but

Everyone has something they can be appreciated for

So sometimes that has made me a victim in the past

But when I follow my heart

It never makes me a victim

It hasn't yet of course

It's only been when I let ego and fear take over

That bad seemed to always happen

If I  can stand firm

With your heart pulled out of your chest

Offering it up for the taking


In its complete brutal honesty

Then i* can say

It was worth it

Because when you live your life to that degree

Willing to do whatever your heart says is necessary

Then your living out your truth

And no one can take that away from you

So when you're heart says to go

No matter who you will hurt or why

You must go

That's how my marriage ended


*lower case i's shouod represent the entire of humanity and all living creatures and things. Anything that has energy to it. Or more pragmatically; all fellow humans only

Inside Joke

I so much quite often believe that my life is an inside joke that I don't know about

But I've stopped letting that depress or gloom me

Maybe  Hints are shielded from me right now for a reason

Maybe there is a greater cause I am unaware of

I have to give it to God

To find peace

That maybe I don't have all the puzzle pieces quite yet

But I hope and pray that what does come into focus

That I can somehow find some glimmer of goodness

Come from it

And in the highest hopes

I pray that it be full of love

Full of light for me to see ever so clearly

And I wish everyone else the exact same

I hope your hearts opens so wide

It feels almost if it's going to burst

But it hurts so good

Emotional

It's hard not to come of as wishy-washy

When on eis an emotional person

Your thoughts just run away with you

Add in a bit of naïveté

And you have a sail that is lose to be sea sometimes

Which as all sailors know is not the place to be in a storm

Today (as in this timeframe of my life) it's a divorce

Tomorrow it could be something overwhelmingly Devine and brilliant

Life is a spectacle to behold

Good or bad

It's all a wonder to me

I can feel the tug of both sides

The allure of the fight

But when I just follow my heart

I don't feel that tug

So harshly

To do something opposed to myself

To my morals

To what I believe in

To truths I hold close to my heart

Like a fight for liberty

For justice

For the persuit of happiness

You promised it to me

You blasphemous document

As a citizen of your country

And now that the veil has been lifted for everyone else to see

You see

The government maybe at one time wasn't funded enough to go after its own citizens

With military grade equipment

But it is now.

Does that seem necessary to you?

Isn't that what a negotiator is suppose to do?

Diffuse a situation so no crime or violence occurs

Maybe we need more every day negotiators

Not just at bank robberies

As they probably pay extra for

Or have the negotiators started believing the conspiracy theories too

Siding with the robbers one too many times.

I don't know.

That's a funny thought though.

False as it may be. Lol

Like I'm hearing my voice again for the first time

It's got to be the writing

The honing of a skill (I think)

As in just the sheer repetition and learning from mistakes along the way.

The thing about writing in this journal type blog

Is that I'm growing

Ever expanding in all directions

Capable of changing my opinions

The lesser ones to the greater ones

My beliefs

My core system

Is ever changing

As my world expands

As my heart expands

So my life expands

My love

In directions completely unforeseen

And some days

Are some way

And some are another

It's not always the same

At the end of the day though.

The outcome

Has to be peace of mind

For myself

That I did my best

And that I can live with that

Seeking forgiveness where I think it maybe needed

And as importantly with myself

And forgo any accolades in place of actual accomplishments

Towards the good of humanity

Above the good of oneself

Or ones brood

That God is with me in ways big and small

And that I can give it to Thim

Is it too blasphemous for most people or have I named God already and just forgotten. Lol

To paraphrase

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

We are all more than we believe we are

Psyche

I believe what I believe

And behave the way I behave

Based on my psyche

On what I've learned and assimilated

It's always good to reflect on these assumptions

These viewpoints

Are they augmenting to our life

Or are they taking away from it

Are they adding fear and anger

Or are they adding love and compassion

Everything is worth taking a good look at

Especially ourselves

We can change

If and when we want to

Been proven time and time again

I'm not saying it's necessary

Or implying one should change.

Compassion and forgiveness

Does not mandate changing

It simply mandates awareness

It's hard to be a complete hypocrite

When one is acutely aware

Of ones own foibles and faults

Humility sets that record straight

For the most part

Jesus fell in love with Mary Magdalena

Right?

So the story goes

This man

That leads entire religions

Fell in love with a prostitute

So who's to judge you

For who you give your love to

Wouldn't it be great

If we all harnessed the capacity to love everyone

Always

As God does

As Jesus did

As Buddha

As many other saints and sages

Have done

And will do

Because it is in our capacity to do

As humans

On this human experience

Are you to judge who you love

Why must we even judge at all?

(Ultra naive question. I'm sure. So many boogeyman out there; real and imaginary; even Christ had Pontius Pilate ..... supposedly*


*
http://www.historytoday.com/kevin-butcher/strange-afterlife-pontius-pilate

I pass no judgement and even if I had been there I wouldn't have know the whole truth. I'm sure few did and do.)

I used to try

To be all things to all people

Now I just tri to be myself

And accept that along the way

Some might feel failed

Some may be left behind

Willingly or otherwise

All I can do

Is my absolute best

And be happy with that

That's my new head space.

Usually

;)

Every step you take - The Police

I was listening to that somewhat creepy song (obsession at its worst)

In the shower

And thinking

That's God

Watching my every step

How could God not

When I carry a god inside of me

In my very soul

How could God not know

All there is to know

And the beauty is

That God loves you

Because of or in spite of everything

If that isn't comforting

I simply don't know what else could be

I'm assuaged by it

But I don't expect the same reaction from everybody

I accept that we all have our own paths to take

Our own realities to live

I chose to relish mine

In all it's unapologetic glory

In all it's messy quagmire

I was spewing

Like a volcano

Words

And anecdotes

Last night &

I'm not sure even any of it makes sense

And I don't want to go back and read them

Quite yet

All I know is that

I do give a genuine prayer to

Those that think of me kindly

Say a good word about me

Give me compassion

And send me love

No matter how small that action may be

I internalize their love

Let it reverberate in my entire body

And then send it back to them ten fold

not with thanks for the gift they have given me

But in thanks for the person they are

For the divinity they have shown within themselves

I send them it back tenfold

So they may experience for themselves

The beauty of those actions

No matter how small or large

I send it back tenfold

I give you that.

Pot

It's better than drinking.

In that it is all the relaxing

Good feelings of drinking

And none of the negative effects

And I don't need hardly any (tiny amounts) to feel good

To have any ache almost always go away

To have my whole body relax and enjoy itself

Enjoy life

I tell it to and it does

If life isn't a miracle

Then I can't tell you really what is

Pot let's me see that more clearly

And be more in tune with life

With the forces of nature

Why did the people in Thailand (wasn't it)

That didn't know what a tsunami behaved like?

Why didn't they know

Education or at the very least

Communal life
Should have taught them that

No?

That's odd to me that it didn't.

How can I teach what can't be be taught

How do you teach to follow your heart*

No matter what

When that entails that every adventure will be completely different

So then every response will be too

Or

Do we just open our heart to everyone

And make it easy on ourselves

Then we don't have to pass judgment

Then it's not our job to see that they are punished

For failing

Perhaps one to many times

And not trying hard enough

To be honest

To be virtuous

Curious

And at peace or zen (as some say)

It's simply not my job

It's the universes job

And if you get out of the way

The universe will take care of it

Of it's  own accord

Or this a case where the parasite kills its host?

Lol




I don't know

mwahshahahahahahahahaha

That's a funny thought.

Why should I have the answer?

I'm still figuring out how to tie my own shoelaces (figuratively speaking of course)

Mine hasn't come to me just yet. Or what were we talking about again?

I'm a virtual hug waiting to happen

I'm not a hugger. It's sometimes hard for me to give a hug.

I can't tell you why

There is never a reason not to

I don't like making a spectacle of myself

I guess it's self conscious nous

Especially if I don't know what kind of hugger you are

That's my problem.

I need to go all in

Can I walk the walk

And talk the talk

I don't know

I really don't know.

Blacks, immigrants, disabled

I feel bad for you

But probably not in the way you think

I don't feel bad for your saga

Because everyone has their own soap opera to live out

And boring or exciting as you make it be

As hard or as easy as you let it be

So no

It is what it is

I'm sorry if you don't feel up to the task

Maybe you have to stop "trying" so hard

And just let life be for a change

Be as hard as it can be

Which I grasp

I really do

I'm sorry that I don't feel sorry for you

Some of the happiest people I've met have been in just your same positions

Believe it or not

We are all human

We all struggle

You can't qualify your experience as more significant

Than anyone else's

If I don't count even Jesus as being a person who's

Experience was more valuable than my own

Why would I count yours

This is MY experience alone

I give you 100% credit for yours

And I'm sorry

If you are suffering through it

If you need me

I'm here

I will try and help

If you come to me with your heart first

I promise to listen

And do whatever I can

But I refuse to feel sorry for you

Meanwhile

I do feel sorry

For all the people that judge you

That impose their violations on you

Of how you should be
Of who you should be like

Who the hell are they to tell you

What to be afraid of

And worse even

To feel bad for you!!!!

Then continuing the story of victimhood

No one is a victim

If fate led you here

And not through some dumb ass mistake

Some environmental poison damaging your body

Not you simply not listening to your heart

Then I'm sorry

Those are the breaks

I refuse to feel sorry for anyone

Even myself

-----//-/

All my complaints are half jokes. Because even I can't take myself that serious all the time. So if I sound the bell....if I ring that town clock. Then is when the sky is falling. Lol

Visualization

Here's the problem I have with visualization

Do I believe it works?

Absolutely

Do I do it?

Can I be a hypocrite and say no*?

Do I think it could be useful?

Sure

Absolutely

No doubt about it at all

But

Like all things

It should be used sparingly and judiciously

No?

I'm grateful to have a way to find my keys

I'm grateful to be able to manage my migraines

Do I need to visualize a trip to Hawaii?

Or

Manifest a million dollars?

Or a new husband?

Um 

No

I really don't

Because I firmly believe

That all paths have their muck in the road

It's inevitable really; because

It's all just part of the human experience

So do I want to spend time and 

Mental resources

Manifesting my every whimsical desire

Me personally; no

I prefer to let fate dictate for me

Where it wants me to go

Where it needs me

Because aren't there always things in play

One is not privy to

The action behind the scenes

I just think that life has a way of surprising you beyond your wildest dreams

When you let it

(When you get out of your own way)

And also I hate to think

That there is even a small possibility

That someone else may have suffered

By consequence of me trying to manipulate/dictate fate in my favor

I'm just a purist at heart I guess

I believe in miracles beyond our capabilities of understanding

That the universe has an abundance

of absolutely anything one could possibly desire

If we could only get out of our ways with our selfishness

Our stress

Our worries

Our fears

And hate

Then we could have that

Easily

Have our every dream come true

Because it's there for us

We don't have to "take it"

It's there in spades for everyone

Always

If we could truly grasp that

That the life we have been led to persue

Through hoarding

Coveting

Pillaging

Raping

Is ass backwards

That it is only

When we put our hearts first

And give as absolutely much as we can

At every single moment

That the world open up

Into the true glory of living

I simply don't see how that is hard to understand

Maybe hard to implement consistently (I suppose....at first?)

But hard to grasp?  Maybe I guess.

I still haven't been able to figure out a humane way to handle fruit flies and they're driving me nutso. So who's to say? Lol

*would you consider praying visualization. I don't know. I pray constantly; for strangers as well as my own family and myself. Is it wrong?  I have to think about that one.