That was hateful

The truth is

People can do and say some pretty hateful things

Purposely

Not purposely

Does it even matter?

How does one respond?

Indignation

Resignation

Blaspheming

I can't say the right way

Everyone must decide for themselves

I know that it isn't going to change in my lifetime

If ever

There will be hatred

There will be vile words and deeds to endure

It seems to be inevitable

So what is there to do?

But let it be

I'm not saying condone

Accept pillaging and plundering

Accept pain and torture

If need be stand your ground (when your line in the sand has been crossed; I suppose)

But barring that

Maybe mostly

When there is no immediate harm

Tolerate

And think to yourself

That was hateful perhaps

But I don't have to succumb to it

I don't have to get mired in that same web

I don't have to subject myself to it

Or respond to it at all

I can call it out for what it is

Or simply walk away

Only Jesus suggests giving the other cheek; but

He must have had a huge tolerance for pain

And a gigantic heart to love

Even those we deem most unlovable

Even acts that go against our very nature of self preservation

Were that we could all be so divine

He was human

So it is quite possible

Isn't it?

Where does it start?

If not in the individual soul

If not in ones individual journey

It is a quest that must be reached one person at a time.

UFO's

We as a whole hav a hard time accepting

Let alone understanding

That other people are not us

They may have a different dialect, orientation, skin color, traditions, diet, work ethic, response.

But they are inherently almost the exact same as you

In that your bodies, minds, souls, hearts and true desires for love and acceptance, for purpose, health and longevity. They exist to some degree or other in absolute everyone you meet here on earth (of the homosapien variety at least.

So how then are we to even grasp aliens

Real aliens

Which I personally believe exist

How are we Neanderthals

To grasp that

Let alone accept and understand it

That takes an evolution of ones soul really

To open up to grasping what can seem truly ungraspable.

Life is bulbous

And sometimes I want to make it rigid

I want to make it conform to my way of thinking

But life is so much more beautiful than I can even give it credit for

Through the chaos, hatred, fear and misery

I can see a beauty completely indescribable

And I have to learn to accept that no matter what I try

Life always has plans of its own

And if I just let it be

I may find

That they are even more grand

More beautiful

More awesome

Than I could have ever imagined

That seems to be how it goes to me most times at least.

What is there to do really

But try to enjoy even the suffering

Because when it comes down to it

We all suffer

It is part of being human

Even Jesus questioned why he had to go in the cross

We all question our suffering

It is all part of the experience I believe

And once you know that

It seems to me to make it easier to bare.

Stages of Nirvana

There are at least two

And quite possibly more

One is deep acceptance that everything is ok

That everything is as it is meant to be

Not in some big cosmic sense that everything has been preordained

Or some kind of map out of the chaos of life

But rather on the very pragmatic way of simply thinking that what is....is

And to simply fully accept that with open arms

All of it

Everything you encounter

Everyone

Is exactly as it should be 

I realize that

It feels like this would be complete martyrdom

But it truly isn't

Because when you start to look at it this way

It all becomes so easy

I'm not saying leave the unjust justified

Or don't follow the path of resistance

I'm saying quite the opposite

Although it may be hard to grasp

The path to righteousness opens up wide

When you live in a place of acceptance and love

Love is the other stage of Nirvana

To look upon everything with love

Everything (supposedly deserving or not)

Always

It is such a place of joy

It is such a place of ease

Deep inner peace

That no money can buy

No drug can reproduce

Quite so well

I'm guessing there are more levels I have never glimpsed

It just feels correct to me that this is so

And this is after all my life

Mine alone

You go figure yours out for yourself

Please*

*these last few sentences are only meant to those who need to shit or get off the pot. Get up off that fence and believe in something. Live by some code that truly resonates with you. If you haven't found it that is quite possibly because you aren't listening to your heart. Maybe you have forgotten how to hear it. So don't start so big. Start little. One thing at a time. At home. At work. At play. Driving. Working. Chores. Duties. Start trying to respond with (and listen to) your heart. When you stop following it; it stops showing up for the game. Or rather it's there but you've benched it so many times neither of you seem to know you exist anymore and what it's purpose even was. So you have to start really trying to listen. Intently. Takes practice. But you gotta get your heart in the game of life. It's the only way to truly win at it.

No comprendo

there are things that must be felt to be understood

Things such as discrimination

That until one has had a deep dark taste of

One simply can not fully grasp

So

To try to force people to be "politically correct"

To try to right wrongs

To try to correct problems

By forcing people into classes they don't want to take

Taking their "rightful" place and allocating it to another

Be it jobs

Education

Housing

What have you

Just seems to fester more hatred

Breed more contempt

Do I have the answer

No. no I don't

But I know it can be accomplished with compassion

More than by force

It can be gotten to by reaching people where it count

In their hearts

By making people see how much we all have in common

But the system isn't set up for that

Society runs contrary to getting along

It runs contrary to cohesion

And as long as we keep hating each other

Fostering contempt for each other

It will keep going

Down this vicious path

And the only way to truly curtail it

Is individually

One person at a time

Fighting the tide

Opening the doors of acceptance

Of understanding to another

So they may enter

When they are ready

And only

When they are ready

And accepting that some may never come to it

May never come to it at all

And being alright with that

And moving on

To affect change where we can

How we can

------

For my people at Standing Rock

God be with you

For the people of Allepo

God be with you

To those suffering

Destitute

Innocent

My God be with you

My God be with us all

And guide us to find our own best version of ourselves

To shine the light on the path our soul most wants us to follow

The path to love

The path to our divine selves

The path of courage

May compassion reign

May peace be attained

May love abound

May acceptance And understanding be ever present

And may God lift us all out of the darkness

Whatever you want it to be

Divorce can look like whatever you want it to be

just like marriage can

and how sex between consenting adults should be

it should be confined only by the limits of your imagination

and the boundaries you have set for yourself (NOT those imposed on you)

screw what society says you should and should not do

they don't live your life

YOU DO

and you only get one go at this race

so you gotta make it uniquely yours

you've got to make it work for you

on your terms

those and whoever you chose to cohabitant with (that choses you back of course)

My divorce currently looks a lot like a marriage in two separate houses

I do his laundry

he comes over for dinner or breakfast a few days a week

we talk/text almost every day

he pays for and delivers our groceries*

I'm not saying it will stay this way forever

relationships change

this will to

but for now this works for all of us

and so it should be with marriage

some marriages work better with their own unique set of parameters

I know couples who live in separate houses

even countries apart (though generally not always by choice)

couples who swing or have completely open relationships

couples who trans or deviate very far from the "norm"

and it works for them

couples who have no sex at all

(it's not for me...but who am I to judge)

my point is

let this life be

what you chose it to be

and if mainstream stifles your joie de vivre

tell them to go fuck themselves

SEIZE THE FUCKING DAY

and carve your own path

devil be damned

set your own course

chart your own path

make this life completely yours

all of it

because the end comes way to fast

and to not have truly lived it

to its absolute fullest

that you were capable of

that you TRULY wanted

will be your absolute greatest regret






*to be fair he works in a grocery store and lives literally across the street as well

Mysteries

I've accepted that in life there are mysteries I simply may not be privy to find out about.

I generalized this quite a bit when I blogged about this before

but today I was reminded about one particular incident that happened very long ago.

In fact just off the top of my head I can think of two actually.

Incidents which seem too implausible to be merely circumstance or coincidence

yet happenings that I would be hard pressed to ever find the real answers to

and even if presented with them

am not quite sure I'd be able to believe them

truth be told

were I to be presented with the actuality of them

The first incident I may have spoken of previously,

the second never have I mentioned it to anyone before

First:

I suffered from road rage a lot in my 20's

nothing more than the average person probably

and anyone dealing with daily 405 rush hour traffic can probably attest to the infuriating nature of having to deal with this

one day when almost home

I went to turn left off PCH onto 7th Street (in Long Beach)

and I grew inpatient with the person in front of me who seemed to be purposely going exceedingly slow

and had made us miss the light, which we should have easily gotten through.

I sat fuming as the lights finally came back around and when they did I proceeded to create my own passing lane to the right of them while turning in the middle of the street

what I had forgotten to take note of is that the intersection while large had two lanes turning the opposite way.  I looked up to find myself in a head to head trajectory with the car on the opposite side of the street.  I had no where to go and no time to stop.

that car

through some miracle yet to be understood by me

had the foresight to see my asinine behavior and accounted for it by moving into the second turning lane farther from me which fortunately had no one in it.

the thing is that

from that lane it is almost impossible to be able to see

let alone prevent such an accident from happening

yet somehow they did

I've studies this situation countless times and the intersection and the other persons vantage

and let me tell you

without having psychic abilities

I really am not quite sure how they pulled off this feat

I seriously couldn't say

The second incident

now here it gets more complicated

I'm going to omit a few details as to exact location and timeframe

but this is nothing that is needed or that would impact the story or what transpired

I was recently broken up

or what felt like recently

from the man I thought was my soul mate

I probably hadn't seen him in over a month

but had recently talked to him on the phone

explaining that I would never see him again

and the circumstances (outside either of our control) as to why

and that unlike our countless break ups and make-ups

explained that this truly would be the end

and while I was trying to consciously accept this

I was still dreaming with him every night and some days were still very difficult to get through

I remember as clear as if it were just 5 minuets ago what happened

even if I can't explain how or why

So I went to park at home after work

I found a spot not to far on the street and saw him immediately

before I was even done parking

he stood by the street sign

motionless

smiling at me

I smiled back and could not take my gaze away from him

we both stared at each other the entire time

and I slowly got out of the car

and walked over to him

it didn't seem one bit awkward until I was about 3 feet away and realized

it wasn't him

this man looked almost identical to him

but this man was a few years younger (at most) and a couple inches tall (at least)

and he just had a different aura to him

he was not my old flame

yet he kept smiling at me

and stood there motionless and without a sound as I halted my walk

and simply said

"sorry.... I thought you were someone else"

I turned and walked away as quickly as I could

and completely melted into a ball of mush when I got in the door

Who was he?

Why did this doppelgänger come to me?

What was he doing standing at that sign by my house?

Why did he remain motionless as I approached

and say nothing when I left?

I can not even begin to answer any of those questions

to this day I don't know

for the few seconds it took me to process what was happening

my mind was trying desperately to make him into the person I wanted him to be

my mind wanted to justify the oddities

even as my heart screamed belligerently at my minds betrayal

*******

So many mysteries in one simple lifetime

even one so mundane and insignificant as mine

and to think these miracles, mysteries and oddities

happen every day

all around us

everywhere

do we look?

do we see them?

seeing isn't necessarily understanding

but that doesn't take away from the adventure

now does it?

the grand adventure

of life

Always a monkey on your back

I don't care who you are

What you do

How you do it

Everyone has a monkey on their back

And most unfortunate

It is

That as soon as you get rid of one

Another one just comes rearing up

Like Medusas snake hair

Never to be tamed

Never to be left at peace

Yes

We all walk around

With a monkey on our backs

Like it or not

It's the fate of humanity

And I don't mean that we all have drug addictions

No!

Simply that

as much as we all have an Achilles Heel

A sensitivity. A fatal flaw

In that same sense we all have some burden we carry

Some torment that is bound to us

Making our lives more difficult than need be

This we sometimes carry quite ceremoniously

Sometimes quite austerely

At times with deep reverence

And others with martyrdom

Yet mostly quite obliviously

Making the rounds

Making the rounds

All with full fledged monkeys on our backs

I learned

in order to handle the upheavals of life

I learned patience

In order the deal with the vasisitudes of people

I learned compassion

To better cope with the good and bad that naturally accompany living

I learned gratitude

In order to not let myself be engulfed by accolades or dissatisfaction

I learned humility

The thing is that

These lessons are always ongoing

Always reoccurring

In never ending variations

And so I must learn and then re-learn them anew each day

And so it goes

meanwhile

Trying not to question the journey

Or even the destination

But rather looking only at my small part

in all this

the only thing that I can truly control

My reaction

To be happy

I reserve the right

To be happy

No matter what my outside circumstances are

It is my right

And no one can take that away

No one

And even though

Some days it's damn hard

Some days

Most days

If I just let it be

It isn't

--------

How some people confuse that with depression

Is beyond me

Paranoid

I'm sure I'm being ultra paranoid

But it all seems like a bunch of traps to me

Practically the only thing

Except for a deep breath and the truth

That doesn't feel like a chain around my neck

Is trusting in God

Trusting in myself

Trusting in my heart

Sometimes it's wrong

But I trust that if I let it be open to that

If I let it be open to all the possibilities

And give them al space

I saw this great saying today

"When you love something

You give it space to grow"

Give yourself

And your life

And your heart

Space to grow

And see what happens

Boundaries

everyone needs boundaries

Mine just happened to be supported

Propped up

And sponsored

By God

And by my very own angels (known and unknown to me)

Sent, beseeched and/or wanting to help me

Living and not

You demons in training forget

God sees all

Knows all

Even the most inner thoughts, fears, and desires

And unfortunately so does the devil

So don't let yourself be manipulated

By someone or something that means you nothing well

And will come to collect on your soul

One day

God can always intervene

It's up to God and the Devil

As to when it's too late

So look for the good

Look for God in all things

In all instances

Chose God

Godliness

Chose loving

Chose happiness

Chose life

Chose living

Chose awakening

To the beauty of helping all we can

When we can

How we can

And making due.

With who we are

And what we have

So that all others may also have

So that the world doesn't become overrun

By consumption

By planetary interference

By killing our very own resources

Like clean water

Pure food and air

What are we doing to ourselves?

-----

Sometimes in literal

Sometimes I'm not

Sometimes I mean exactly what I say

Sometimes I mean the very next thing I say

Which may contradict the exact previous thing I just said

Perhaps in a slightly different variation

Perhaps in none

And I chose to maintain that right

It's like that saying says 

"I can not possibly return to yesterday; I was a different person then."

Does that machine rifle come in see through blue; more gemstone teal maybe?

I'm trying to justify why I like guns

And I do

I truly do

Are they useful?

Vital?

A significant accomplishment of modern time?

In all it's glorious spawns

Hell yes

Just wow

You know

But are they grand theft auto version a million point five?

Can they be?

Yea. Been to war lately?

Tried living on the mean streets of a horrible gang?

Or being in a crime syndicate?

Or a drug lord?

A mass killer?

These lives exist

Unfortunately

I could pretend they don't.

But what good does that serve?

I personally think we don't need guns

I think everything we need and want can be gotten from the earth and each other

Without all this need for violence

But as long as we do live on this earth

The way it currently runs

I believe in the right to own a gun

I think of the series "firefly"

Which is probably as left as they come

and I see that as agreeable to me

Because why do "they" get all the shiny toys?

Who wants to be Mother Fucking Teresa

She was a beautiful person

Wasn't she?

But she was human (gasp....I know: huh)

So she had her faults

Which maybe weren't faults

After all

Maybe they just made her who she was

And yet she gets shared and shredded as much as venerated (less  doesn't seem viable)

Who would want that

To impact the earth in a positive way

Sure

But even she didn't understand the hate in it all

Even she didn't understand the obstacles people face in their own hells

Or maybe she did

A person at a time

And that's all I want as well

Doesn't everyone truly

It's just to live my own little slice

of living my own life

A person at a time (even if only by a passing unglancing stride; thank you Cheri Huber).

A moment at a time

Save with children (young and old)

They don't understand of these things quite always so well

It can be endearing when you let it be

I suppose*

I guess it may be the insolence and selfishness I don't like

It comes very naturally for children to be kind

It is still very close to the surface

Truly their default setting

If adults just had the courage to go from trial run to ON**

and I'm it society didn't model AND reward selfish behavior maybe children wouldn't pick it up. They learn by human and media (social) example. What are we as individuals and a whole exemplifying. What is our media exemplifying. Do we not really have a choice?  If it's all owned by practically the same handful of rich people/corporations then how is it not being bought and sold "for our pleasure"......laughable. Just sometimes I'm not sure who I'm laughing at anymore. I'm just as much a part of this "shit show" as everyone else and here's where I do want to be Mother Teresa. Lol. Uhh. Yea. Like I have that kind of time or patience***. Could I find the patience?  Ugghhhhh




*maybe ask me that another day when I'm not flanked by a sick one, a potty-training (first days) one and in ultra hormonal one.  Auuggghhhhh).

**think like a child's toy that needs to go from "try me" to on. To its full version, not just the here and there one.  Sure maybe the batteries wear out quicker; but you have the fastest recharger of them all; God!

*** the only times I've experienced nirvana, fleeting as it may be. We're in states of unending patience, deep love, or blind excitement. I'm sure there are many more ways; drugs even for this experience quite unfortunately (except pot I believe). Pot is quite good for you. Not me smoked but me injesting has cured me of so many aches and pains; both actually verifiably physical (migraines and joint issues) and spiritually/psychologically (I'm not saying this world this way for everyone. The pain yes. I can attest to those benefits as can millions others, but the spiritual and psychological benefits I think are only starting to be understood or accepted medically).

Life

This life

This grand illusion

May appear real to you

It has all the bells and whistles to prove itself so

Or so one wants to believe

And so be it

It helps perpetuate the falcity

Sometimes it's fun

Sometimes it's beautiful

Sometimes it's magical beyond belief

But at the end of the day

Your day

All it is

Is the illusion of one soul upon the earth

Perpetuated for or against another soul

Walking a separate yet intrinsically intertwined

Journey of its own

To see if at the end of it all

We all individually get to go (to our collective) home (Heaven)

Are damned to hell

Or get to come back here

Living or dead

That's it

I wish it WERE

More complicated than that

But if you look

To what depths our universe exists

Inside and outside

It is quite mesmerizing really

And so the grand illusion can be one heck of a ride really

Almost any way you slice it

Horrible world

It's funny that as I listen to Iz (Israel Kamakawio'ole) singing a gorgeous rendition of "what a wonderful world" I think of how horrible this world is.

How full of bigotry

Of lies

Unjust

And cruel

Without caring of innocence

Without care for the most vulnerable

In fact;

The world seems to come after the most sensitive as if with a subconscious vengeance (unbeknownst to most). Even those that think they are "protectors" are sometimes the causers of unintentional harm.

It's a strange phenomenon that the ones that survive childhood with a heart intact and pure

Get crucified over and over and over

Trying to survive small and large pains

Trying desperately to not let the cruelty of life kill their souls

Trying to survive the sheer torture living can at times be

In a world that seems to glorify all the wrong things

That panders to power, greed, deception, and all the worst character traits there are to possess

And if you have any doubt of that

Simply take a good look at the two people running for the office of president in the US right now

It's a display of so many of the evils of the world personified in two truly loathsome individuals

Most People

Most people are nice

Most people do the right thing

Most of the time

Right?

That seems to be so

And sometimes

Everything works out

If you let it

Sometimes life can be more miraculous than you even expect

Sometimes. When you just led life lead you

It leads you in wants better than you could ever even imagine.

God has a plan

If you just trust.

Above all else

Trust

God always has your back

The world opens up in ways you could never even imagine

Give it to God

AND always

Try your best

Then give the rest

Especially the hardest parts

To God.

I love diversity

As uncomfortable as it may

As many learning curves as it has

I love it

It expands your world

To learn of other people's worlds

Ones you may navel be privy to otherwise

Unless you make it a point to travel. 

The beauty of diversity is that 

The world comes to you. Lol

Power

the power of (good/love/God) righteousness does not come by force

It comes by humility and compassion

It is an ongoing battle we fight internally with ourselves

Making it the hardest battle of them all perhaps

If all sides practiced this battle

We would have no need to battles

As long as economies (and people) are sustained by battles

It will probably continue

So seems to be the way of this world right now

Unless we each take up our one battles that is

And be the best versions of our heart we can possibly be

Bop

 Mike Drop

Hey. I'm proud of me too

You're not suppose to be prideful

I completely agree

But that doesn't mean I can't be happy for me

Happy I'm me

I mean. After all

Who am I suppose to be

God wants

You to be you

And me to be me

And doesn't that just work perfectly

It really does

If you let it

All things can be win/win

All things

It's just a matter of finding the RIGHT(EOUS) way

Hey. I'm no Jesus

I haven't learned to walk on water or anything

And the day I do I can almost guarantee I won't be writing about it on a blog.

Now would I?

Talk about cray-cray

It doesn't have to be

inkeep being told

If you just let it be easy

Just let it be easy

Welcome easiness into your life

Set the Matt

Light the candles

Say a prayer

And welcome easiness

Welcome love

Welcome life

Welcome happiness

Welcome truth

Welcome honor

Welcome to enlightenment

But it is hard

I grant you that.

I'm trying

I'm trying to believe

Against almost all standards of belief

That God is always there for me

200% of the time (infinitesimally really)

Like Jesus

Buddha

Joan of Arc

Mother Teresa (as much as she could; we all make some mistakes). She's  One of the closest things we have to angels on earth or saints (as the Catholics call the best of them supposedly).

But it is hard

I can see why so few succeed at that

It is a moment by moment push up a hill rolling a boulder straight up it

And then holding on for dear life in the way down

And all the while trying to maintain your heart and mind open

Trying to take it all in

To love the grand experience of it all

No matter what the situation

No matter how big or how small

No matter in what capacity

Full throttle

Or broken up a little

Or a lot

To license it all

The same

All of it

To trust it is meant just excusively for you

That you can transcend it all

And get to heaven

Heaven in every moment

And heaven in every hell

That God is here with you

To uplift you

At every moment

Up until even your last breath

God is there to take you home

And home

Is where we all want to be

Desperately long to be

And that home

Is right in our hearts

We carry it with us

How much easier is that?

How much better can that get?

We carry unconditional never-ending supplies of love

Right in here

And as long as that heart beats you can see it here on earth

And after it stops beating

You meet up with the original and complete version in heaven

Consider earth a combination of like a 10.0 version of heaven mixed up with Sims

You can be in heaven

Happy as can be

Or you can be in misery

The great thing about my version

The version I interpret from my God

Is that we can have that full upgraded version happiness

That experience that we will get to be as close as heaven as possible

Whenever we want

As long as we chose to believe

Would you rather live 10 minutes of heaven

Or ten years of hell?

I'll ask you again on your deathbed and we can revisit that one again and you will maybe much more clearly see things. Most old people see things pretty clearly except for that deep sense of fear (poor things).  At what age, if ever, is one allowed to lose that? NEVER!  Society isn't built to support your happiness. It's built to support your fears. The media. School. A lot of it is propaganda and I wish we all stopped playing along. If you just stop. Listen. Truly listen to people's stories. You'd see. Deep down. We are all the same. Longing for love. Longing to be deeply understood. Wanting community. Wanting to be loved AND to love (even more important probably).

Unless

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It's not. - Dr. Suess

Welcome to your life

To the wild, spectacular, mesmerizing event

Don't get lost on your adventure

Remember you have been blessed with a soul to guide you

A heart to lean on in times of hardship

God's love to always give you strength

And conversely 

You were born to and of the earth

So you are bound to the earth as much as to the heavens

And until we grasp

That we have as much a link to the ground we walk on 

As we do to the God we pray of

We must understand 

That we are intrinsically bound to both

Like it or not

And until we realize that

And start to care

To really care

About ourselves

Our environment 

The people and animals we share this world with

Things will keep spiraling downward

For the earth

And for ourselves

Individually

And as a whole

Unless......