Psychoanalyze this (middle finger emoticon)

I am so raw right now

My emotions are on such high alert

The current flux in my life

And all that brings with it has me in a bit of a tailspin

Sometimes about to cry

Sometimes laughing hysterically

Some call if bi-polar*

But I call it living

Life comes at you in waves

Sometimes they are easy and you are floating in peace

Other times choppy and you are struggling to maintain your footing

Sometimes life is the bipolar one

And we are just struggling to get by

Or riding that high

So what?

Just so fucking what?

Label it and give it a bad rating and make people feel like shit

For just being who they are

Yea that makes so much fucking sense

Just let people be

Why is that so God damn hard for everyone

Schools, churches, governments, family, friends, lovers

Let me

Let everyone

Just be!!!

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*i am not a danger to myself or others. Let’s not kid ourselves. I know exactly what it is to be of sound body and mind.

I’d just like a little breathing room from the peanut gallery please.

Staying out of trouble

I am lazy

Soooo lazy

And I don’t like having to rummage through my brain

When asked about situations to see what option I chose

And I just prefer to stick with one thing

It’s just easier to stick with one default

One I am comfortable with 

And suits my general mood

And that default is kindness

For starters it’s more pleasant

For all parties concerned 

Including myself

And I can almost always be assured my reasoning 

When questioned will uphold itself well

Because it wasn’t based on ego or selfishness

Now this doesn’t mean I didn’t gain from the situation 

Or come out ahead 

It usually does but not always 

All it really does

Is provide me with constant ease

Ease to know how to behave

Ease to know what to do

Ease to know I did the best I was capable of

Am I kind 100% of the time with everyone. 

Absolutely not

But the vast majority of the time with the vast majority of people

And if I am not I can always tell you exactly why I wasn’t 

But again... it’s so rare that’s its negligible 

Because I default to kindness 

(Or indifference at worst 

Which isn’t exactly great or what I’m aiming for

But is a good neutral stopping point I suppose 

Especially if due to whatever factors I just can’t seem to hit the mark)

So yea. Kindness keeps me out of trouble

Requires no mental gymnastics to try to navigate around 

And is a simpler and easier way to live 

Why wouldn’t everyone lead with that?

I don’t always understand that point

I guess in this “me first” society we’ve created here 

The thought of kindness is equated to weakness

And gullibility 

But it actually takes great strength sometimes to be kind 

Especially to those that appear the least deserving. 

That’s when it has at times been the greatest reward of all

Knowing I overcame great odds to do the right thing

Regardless of how I was treated

Makes me proud, gives me peace and keeps me for the most part pretty happy

And those are priceless commodities 

Well worth any sacrifices I have to make

Any internal struggles I have to fight

To achieve it

And it just keeps me out of trouble. 

Win/Win

The pain is real. The reason may not be as obvious.

It sucks that there are selfish abusive people in the world with little regard for others. They will do whatever it takes to get what they want. They are obviously broken. DON’T LET THEM BREAK YOU!!!

The best way I’ve found to avoid not being broken is to not take things personal. At some point though...if you keep getting hurt over and over its time to look in the mirror and ask yourself “is it me?”  As in how am I putting myself in these situations repeatedly. Maybe that needs to be looked at. Maybe there needs to be some healing of my own psyche done on my end. Some patterns I am repeating because they need to be resolved. 

If that is the case. It would help me to recognize that no one can resolve those for me. .  It may feel like someone or something outside of myself is the key but it generally isn’t. The journey is one within. The healing is from the inside. No time like the present to sit down with that and begin.  That is the hardest journey in life. The most difficult task to accomplish. Taking a hard look at ourselves and sitting with who that truly is; the good, the bad and the heartbreaking. 

Chill out

I have got to chill out

Life is stressing me out

It truly is

And I can’t let it

I only get one go on this torpedo

And I’m goinf to live t my way

Or as close to that as I can

I’d rather die in happiness and joy

Doing anything or nothing at all

But I choose happiness

I always chose happiness

I want to always chose love to

Because happiness can be selfish

But love really can not

But that’s not always easy

The way this life is led

In its mad dash ways

And it seems too much to me sometimes

And then I fall to the fray too

And it is so exhausting.

So very exhausting sometimes.

Harriet Tubman

You think of those black people she helped save

Some by force she had to

Because they became scared and wanted to go back

Even though it meant certain death or extreme punishment 

So imagine once they did get to freedom 

All hundreds of them

They had to assimilate and learn a new paradigm of living

From life long slave to freedom had to be quite the life shift 

And to come to what exactly?

Not like they had rich ancestors to rely on 

An education 

Even language barriers 

For dialectic, regional and race differences 

They had to have a support system of some kind 

No?

It’s the exact same for immigrants 

Except no one wants them 

At least in the north there seemed to be some humanity available then

Where did that go?

For Example

If instead of saying something in anger

When a person cuts us off on the freeway

Saying AND feeling in our hearts

“God bless them”

and add “I hope they make it home safely”, if you can stomach it

Either way

Wouldn’t the world be a much fucking better place

If that were actually possible?

It would be a better place to live for all parties concerned

When you come from a place of love and acceptance and gratitude*

It can really Infect your heart

It rubs off on you and seeps into your life

How do you want to live this life?

What do you want infecting your soul

Hatred or love

Bring it!!!

Do it for yourself if you have to.

Let’s all stop throwing rocks out your glass houses

Let’s think of whatever we throw out as more of a boomerang. Lol

The more you do it the easier it gets...

But if anyone told you life was meant to be always easy

Check for oil under their shoes**

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha


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*sometimes it just helps me to think “wow, I so glad I’m not you”. Mostly in the sense that they seem unhappy or are probably stressed or something and I’m glad I’m not inhabiting that space. Like phew!  Hey. Just trying to find my happiness. Gratitude usually gets me there quite nicely.

**snake oil salesman. Get it?  Way old reference. Lol

Nurturing Me

Sometimes in life you’ve been knocked around enough

And you just are so raw

That you don’t want to be knocked down anymore

I’ve been so strong

I will keep being strong God

For you

With you

I’ve been quietly waiting in line for some miracles

And you’ve blessed me with a great many

But I’ve had to work awfully hard at most of them

And I’m getting so tired

Of trying so hard

I need to put down this weight

It is suffocating me almost to death

I need some relief

Can you grant them all easily

Not always

Hey...I like to put in some work

Loving is fun

Living can be a marvel beyond marvels

I just need a reprieve.

A respite for my soul from the stress

Where are you God?

That I may give it to you.

Stoned musings (again?)

February 2018

Fear keeps them in

Power keeps them out

Well live in a world where nothing is unique and everything must be authenticated.  It’s abysmal this way. 

(I’m sorry if I’ve played some part in this charade. That’s not my intention at all. Just a different perspective.)

We are all unique representatives of God

Maybe a completely different Hod of course. But if maybe we could all agree to be authentic and accepting of ourselves and equally if not more authentic and accepting with others. Under the rubble life has presented us with we are all hidden gems. 

Love is a feeling that you renew like the tide, which each breath of your beloved ones essence.

A society that can have advanced so much in science and technology, marketing and psychology...if all that brain power and same money were put towards the good of mankind all of the world’s problems would be eradicated. All would be solved. 

And I hate to be all One World Order here but sometimes it really does feel like the ties that bind are the ones also feeding us...and I am also being literal as well. 

If everyone in this world used their magical powers for good instead of evil the world would be a heavenly place to live.

The eternal nothing knows the eternal everything 

The difference between insomnia and enjoying the “Witching Hour” is that one one scenario you are happy and it isn’t the first one. Lol

I steer very clear of churches. While I adore spirituality and even wanted to and would still like to study theology. It absolutely fascinates me. God and I. We are right!!  I can’t argue with peoples love of God. That shit is real!!  BUT...I detest the lies, the money, the ego, the wars, the hatred that they can and do inspire. I’ve never found any I could relate to honestly. I don’t mind rituals those are quite fascinating too, but I mind restrictions, hypocrisy and injustice and I’ve never had any religion pass the test. Even the best are usually laden with a thick layer of misogyny or some kind of ism; like totalitarianism just for example.

I don’t understand marriage from a perspective of love. Financially sure. Makes absolutely sense for one of them at least, both sometimes, neither sometimes I’m sure too. Lol
Point is. I look at most married woman and the first sense I get isn’t “cherished”; it’s “kept”. No no no!  I want my marriage to involve freedom first of all and I’m happy with love renewed every day and not just rubber stamped. Hey everyone phone’s it in once in a while. I’ve been in relationships.  Trust me. Overall though. It’s got to be the real deal and that doesn’t have anything to do with a piece of paper. 

I want kindness from ya’ll

I always wonder

Why the fuck we can’t all just get along

If we can’t bolster ourselves up

With authenticity

Then fine

But can’t we at the very bottom of that range at least let each other live in peace 

Why the hell is that too much to ask?

  

Ranting

Society mainly strives to maintain the status quo. Religion mainly strives to enforce moral slavery (I won’t go into the money aspect, but someone tell me why the Vatican gets to have a money printing press). Education is mainly indoctrination. Pharmaceuticals utilize humanity as ATM guinea pigs. Governments mainly strive to regulate freedoms. The media mainly strives to sell products and control thinking and behavior and don't get me started on corporations. 

I’m not saying good things don’t sometimes come out of these entities but on the whole they are not there for our individual benefit and to believe so just means you have bought into the game.  Hard not to play it though...not like there’s that much choice. 

I’m not bitter. Truly I am not. I love this life. I love this world; major issues and all. All I’m saying is that if you can’t see the house of mirror horrors going on all around you then your head is buried too far up your ass. Hello?  Can you hear me?

——

Those of you that are in the know. We change it one heart at a time...starting with our very own. It’s not more difficult than that.  A waterfall starts with a single drop. 

Two Sides - One Life

You’re side looks like it could be fun

I can see the appeal

But I believe in order for there to be sides

Someone has to be “different”

And I guess this time around that someone is me

That’s too bad

Because see...

I was only given this one life right here

And I just want to have fun with it

That’s it 

And I’m trying my best to do that with authenticity 

Except there are so many games at play

So many angles to everything 

And you’re just one part to my reality

So hey

Could you cut me some slack please

Please

right now I’m just looking for a safe landing 

Musings

If sexual fluidity was the norm so many assaults, suicides and drug/alcohol issues would be eradicated. 

People need to keep their religion out of other peoples sexuality and off their bodies.  Consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want with each other or themselves as long as they aren’t injuring OTHERS...and injured sensibilities don’t count. (I’m staying out of the baby drama aspect. This is all based around adult behavior and actions exclusively.)

Religious war is an oxymoron. 

Prostitution and drugs/alcohol have been around since the existence of mankind. So what are we trying to regulate exactly? 

The world needs healing. People need healing. Our collective psyche is on a bender...but the only way to come out of that is on an individual level. 

Monogamy and sexuality have zero to do with each other. 

I’m not saying think outside the box. I am saying there is NO box.