Best Me

Yesterday, with only 10 minutes warning I had a dozen strangers traipsing through my abode. This packed onto an already hectic day had me in a bit of a tailspin. Even though most of the people were friendly and respectful, I felt very judged, vulnerable and intimidated. None of these are common emotions for me, which probably made them all the more poignant.

I tried all night to let it go. I even woke up to the same mild rush of emotions. Then today I finally just told myself to shake it off. Just shake it off. I'm not here to live anyone else's life. I'm not here to live up to anyone's expectations. I'm just here to be me. To live out my own experience. I'm here to be the "best" me I can be and it's up to no one but myself to determine just who that is. So judge away. Come in and look in all my deep dark cavities. What do I have to hide? I can guarantee that anything I do or have done has been done by many now and before me.

That said, I'm not trying to compare myself to anyone. I'm not here to live my life for someone else, or by someone else's standards. I have a hard enough time living up to my own standards, most days. I can't take that on. So I'm shaking it off. This supposed judgment, may or may not even be so. Although it probably is, since everyone seems to be so horrendously judgmental, but so what. I don't have to subject myself to that judgement. Their judgement isn't me. I don't have to take it on, or take it personally. It's them doing what they do. So be it. I'm gonna be me, doing what I do and be totally at peace with that. At least that's the plan. That every so often it slaps me in the face and says "I don't think so"....well...I'm going to use that to my advantage, as reinforcement. YES. IT IS SO!!

The man on the bus

I was 16 when this happened. I was taking the bus on Sunset Boulevard heading home from my new school in Lincoln Heights. I got on the crowded bus and saw a seat available, even though a dozen people stood. I grabbed the seat and immediately noticed why the seat was empty. To my right sat a disheveled, older man with clear mental issues. He smelled a tad pungent as he rocked himself forward and back with a low moan. He was obviously distressed. I looked at the people who watched me sit down, that were probably wondering what I would do next, now that I was aware of the situation.

I sat back slowly, closed my eyes, calmed my breath and started sending the man soothing thoughts. I kept telling him he was okay, everything was alright. I'm sure it was an interesting sight for those that were witnessing this. Slowly the man stopped moaning and rocking, but the moment my attention diverted from sending him soothing thoughts he would start up again. So the entire ride I proceeded to send him these thoughts. The bus ride wasn't more than about 15 minutes. As my stop approached I started to bid him farewell (mentally) and as I opened my eyes and proceeded to leave his shaking became very vigorous, far worse than it had been when I had sat down originally. But there was nothing I could do. I felt bad. I truly did. The poor man on the bus that no one would sit next to, who was probably 100 times more afraid of those people on the bus then they were of him.