I was not good today

The little power I had

I wielded it badly

At a few times today*

I just get so overwhelmed I think

I don’t like talking much

I really don’t

And Sometimes I let my interpretation of people

Get to me

And sometimes people

But they generally know how I feel

So anyway. I think

I need to take my own advice here and sit still with the pain

But power makes you drunk sometimes

And you can’t even see yourself sliding

You can’t even barely feel the precipice to the abyss

****

Mind you. I have no real power

I can’t fire people or tear down beauty and nature

I don’t steal, lie, cheat, manipulate. Generally speaking I tend to not do those things ever if at all.

It just isn’t what comes natural

In fact it comes so unnaturally that I am inclined to think

That even if it meant saving my life I probably couldn’t tell a lie believably.

******
His name was Steve Young

Not the football player. No. He was 10 when I was 11. He was in 3rd and me in 4th. Boy was I ever in love. Hoochie-la. This boy made my lapels burst because my blood would overflow in my veins.  Why else?

It wasn’t sexual. I was just a puppy dolls at his heals. He was the moon and stars to me. He was so nice to me. He was blond and the smile he had just set my heart to 10 stages of melting.

One day his older sister sat beside me on his bed and started talking to me real nice and friendly like. Then she asks me all sugar and spice for me to tell him that i don’t want to be his girlfriend anymore and like an idiot I do and like an idiot he believes her. And it never came back from that; no matter that we both tried. We were so young. Hey. This is no love song. Trust me. I’ve had Facebook longer than all ya’ll bitches. I’ve done the throw back love affair. It ain’t all that it used to be. Anyway. I try to learn from my experiences and still follow my heart.

My point is that this and some other lessons that occurred at about the same time made me see very clearly that lying hurts. It hurts people. It hurts ya. It’s so not worth it. Plus I’m lazy. Lying takes way too much fucking brain wave activity. I gotta play connect the dots every time I do it. I gotta bat .99 to not get caught.  Ugghhh. It’s exhausting just talking about possibly ever doing it. Yuck!

_______
*For example: I forgot to let the 3rd participant speak. I could have and should have and had I been more mindful I would have. But I wasn’t being mindful. I was being a wee tiny bit full of myself. I can admit. A wee tiny schkosh. And I didn’t apologize. To be fair I’m more of a once in more aware and centered can I apologize and maybe then (like now) would it be too late. I’m an ass sometimes. What can I say. I am CONSCIOUSLY trying to be a non-ass. Trust me. I’ve figured this all out. The only way to be a non-ass is to slow it all down. Where is the time for that?  Now?  Let it be now!!!

Stand still

Stand still with the fear

And on the other side

You will find peace and happiness

*******

I’m glad you can finally see

That up is not up and down is not down

That the only person you can trust is yourself

And your heart

What your heart tells you is true

What comes from a deeper and better knowledge than your brain

A truth that goes beyond logic and words

An ancestral instinctual knowledge of who you truly are

*************

Stand still

Because fear will drive you crazy

Literally

If you let it take the reigns;

Stand still

So you can see the source

So you can heal the old wounds

And walk away pure and clean

*******

Your eternal self

Is pure divinity

Pure soul

Pure love

*******

The fear

Hatred

Anger

Timidity

Anxiety

Sleeplessness

ill health

The obsessions

The demons

The dread

It’s all part of forgetting

Who you truly are

**********

Remember

*********

Chose a thing

A thing you love with your entire soul

Focus on that one thing

With all of your attention

Every bit of it focused on that one feeling of pure love you can feel deeply within you

And now

amplify that love to the millionth power

Yes

That

That zap

That overwhelming power

That is you

That is heaven

That is God

********

Deep breaths

But don’t pass out on me