Think like a Man

If I had a nickel 

Just kidding. 

I wouldn't be rich

But I do tend to be thought of to think differently, in many different ways

And it's ok with me

It really is

That's the thing

Be you

Whoever that is suppose to be

Even if it looks exactly as you look now

Then honestly great....right?

But just be you AUTHENTICALLY

genuinely deep down happy and at peace with yourself

Or dammit 

You're fucking doing it wrong

It's NOT happiness at any cost

It's happiness in our hearts

From following them 

From coming from a place of compassion

Own who you are 

Own it 

That's all I'm trying to do

Who am I?

Being honest 

Completely honest 

That has got to be one of the hardest parts of this life for me

I wonder if it is for everyone?

When you're doing the best you can 

Given circumstances both in and out of your control

You're doing what you think is your best

And not killing yourself 

Or trying to hurt yourself even

Not killing others 

Or hurting them even

When you can look yourself in the eyes

And say yep

"I'm good" or even just 

"I'm good with it"

"It works for me" 

and know in your heart 

You're doing the right thing 

The right things

Then hey fucking A

Who cares how you think

You've got it good

You've got it right

You've got love in your eye

Be the “Someone“

I think I’ve related the story of the monastery and the filthy bucket before. 

Today I had something happen that made me walk my walk in a big way

A way that made me tremble a bit

I suppose that isn’t always a bad thing

I was at City Hall renewing my business licenses.  I knew I could do it online but I wanted to get it done and get my printed copies; forgetting they need to be approved before they send them. 

I was on the computer doing the inputting of information as they just changed systems and I had to create a new account; when I overheard them talking about how they we’re going to have to shut down her water today and how the city worker in charge of doing it didn’t want to but what choice did he have. 

I swallowed hard. Was that the reason I was there just at that moment? The place was slow. I was the only client and the second party to the conversation left for lunch so it was just her and I. I didn’t feel too self conscious because of these factors so I asked her very discreetly if I could pay the persons water they were just talking about. 

She looked at me a bit puzzled. She told me I could but asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that; which just gave me more pause. I told her that if this was a habitual thing and they needed maybe a lesson then no, but if it was someone in difficulties and a temporary thing; a bad situation then I would yes. 

She checked. Her initial response was “this person falls behind a lot” which made me hesitate until she said “she’s a single mom.” And I knew then and there I had to help. 

Does it matter that I myself am just barely above water?  Does it matter that I am going through some major emotional upheaval right now?  Does it matter that it was not a minor amount she needed to keep her water on?  

No. It didn’t matter.

———

I knew from watching my friend Danica “world’s best single mom ever” raise her daughter that it was no small feat. Until I had to walk that mile myself though I did not know just how hard it truly was.  I have often thought of creating a place for single parents and other community members in need to go for help; a free childcare center; free community room, free place to go hang out and find camaraderie and true community. There are senior centers already but still. Something for everyone with needs; especially single parents and more especially moms. 

I requested they not tell her who paid her water. I just wanted her to not worry about paying me back or me wanting her to make some grand gesture of gratitude. I want nothing from her. I just felt compelled to help. It’s funny to me and I see it so often time and time again that the ones with so little are the ones that seem to give the most. Especially when you extrapolate for what they own in life and what percentage of that they offer to others.

I could be wrong but that is what I see. 

What I also clearly see is that.....

The time to care is now.

Here

Right at this moment

And 

Instead of just saying 

“Someone should.....” fill in the blank...

“Pick up that trash”

“Help that person”

“Sweep that sidewalk”

Whatever it is. 

I think it’s time

We took a hard look in the mirror

And realized

WE ARE that someone 

Because....

If you are there to witness

Then you can also be there to help

And truthfully...

there is just not much more to it than that 

And I am so grateful to the people that walk this walk

That demonstrate selflessness time and time again

It is not always easy

But it is meaningful

And isn’t that what we all want in life?

Meaning 

Naked & Afraid

I like this show.

The dynamics of the people I don’t usually like

But I realize it’s just TV

I think though the idea is a good one 

Every healthy person of at least a certain age as a right of passage should spend 

Ohhhh how about

40 days and 40 nights alone in nature 

Completely isolated from civilization 

With only water available somewhere to drink 

And some kind of subsistence if they were 

Skilled or clever enough

All starting with the same few items

But given time to possibly mentally and physically train 

Like hunger games 

Minus the people and killing. 

A spiritual and eye opening journey into how this world REALLY operates

How we are just base animals with animalistic needs

And who we are beyond what we have control of 

Sympathy for the Devil

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

The news always casts these people that do horrendous things as horrible people

I can understand why

But it’s just too one dimensional

We are all capable of such atrocities

That most of us don’t do them speaks more to where our life is

Than where our morality is

Because given the right circumstances we could have maybe done the same thing

Of course this doesn’t mean I am advocating more sympathy for the offender than the victim

That would be asinine and ruthlessly cruel

It just means that I have compassion for the perpetrators as well

Obviously they are coming from a fucked up place.

I think of mother’s who abandon their kids

Fathers that kill their entire families

On and on and on

And I wonder

What kind of support system did these people have?

What kind of childhood?

What kinds of burdens were they facing?

What are the demons they were carrying deep inside?

It’s not excusable

It’s not alright

It’s not allowable

But it tugs at my heart that people are so broken inside

That these things become acceptable to them

Or even desirable

I don’t know if statistically we are more violent towards each other now

I don’t know if crime has gotten worse over the last decades, centuries, millennia

I dare say there are just more of us

More closely confined

And with information more readily available

I dare say as a world our psyche is definitely not in a better place

Our morality has not improved

But has it gotten worse?

I personally don’t necessarily think it has really

But that is not the point either way

The point is

How can we all judge when we aren’t out making it better

I say no one has a right to judge period

But I suppose if you are in the trenches shoeveling out the dirt

You’re allowed an opinion of how it looks down there.

Adorations

I adore people

Even as I hate them

I still adore them

Which is why I can’t hate them

I can be opposed to what they are saying, doing, being

But I can’t be opposed to the spirit of God that they carrry within themselves

Even if they don’t care to see it

Even if they turn it away at each chance

At each turn

Who am I to judge?

Really!!!

Right??

So what makes you my adorations or my true friends?

Adorations. I understand you

Friends. You anderstand me too (get it..)

So stoned

Maybe you do understand me

I don’t need criticism

I don’t need much correction really

I just need to know you understand me

That’s all a true friend is

Not a bank account

Not companionship, although that is an added benefit

Not a lifesaver in as much that they just offer love

Offer me love

I’ll always take it!!!!

(I promise, promise)

All a fallacy

ugghhh

I’ve been writing since I can remember. I feel in love with reading in 3rd grade thanks to Mr. Schaffer and soon thereafter writing.

I came back to writing voraciously within the last year. I have 3 blogs and a Medium profile I write on as well. The only people that generally read my blogs I’ve noted are other writers. Which is horrendous.

Why?

Because they feel compelled to write based of things I wrote. It’s my own fault. I put it out into the world for all to see and judge. I should consider it a compliment that I inspire them to write off of something I said but truthfully I find it tedious and droll.

I recognize I do the same thing they do; which is talk in absolutes as if I knew everything.  The thing is that I am the first to admit that I know nothing more than what I think I know and that is rudimentary and base at best.

I have the answers to my own life and nothing else. I ventured away from this blog to expand my viewership and write about topics that are not spiritual in nature.

I forget the digital world is a heartless bitch of a place. Even the support one gets is based in a virtual world, not necessarily tangible or even real.

I need a break.

I’m disgusted by other writers trying to make a living by tearing others apart or playing off of others thoughts, specifically here MINE. Live with yourselves. I don’t have to care. I really don’t. Yea. Stopping now.

All is not lost

This is probably the most trying time I’ve had in my life

And I’ve suffered some pretty brutal realities

Abuse

Homelessness

Suicide attempts

And that’s the short list

The long list is a doozy

So it’s odd for me to still feel an inner calmness

Even through the turmoil

Not always.

Sometimes I have to really dig to feel it

But it is there

Accessible

I guess two things keep me grounded still

1) belief that the universe, God, fate, what-have-you can deliver miracles and I am doing all I can to keep hope alive while I strive to give it a hand in whatever rudimentary fashion I can think of.

2) it’s all inconsequential either way really. One day I will die. One day everything will die. What does it really matter?  It won’t even matter to me one day. So really. What’s the struggle for? If I pick up and walk out the front door right now and just keep walking...it may be of some consequence to someone now and maybe have some ripple affects...sure, but ultimately...in the grand scheme of infinity this time and space capsule is irrelevant...as truly am I. As truly is everyone and everything. Sooo. Me trying my best to live life on my own terms, within the confines allowed, is good enough...no matter the consequences. Because ultimately it doesn’t even matter, so all I can do is exactly what I am doing now. Living!  Being!  Present!

“Here!”

Was that my name called?

Dearest angels can you hear me?

——-

Note to self

Stay positive
Stay in the now
Keep moving forward
(No matter how many steps you fall back)


—————-

And the truth is sometimes I feel elated

So close to God or just non-head space 

So at peace 

(like the still of a hurricane maybe lol jk)

But then times like this I feel 

So very sad and feeling so very broken

And then other times

once in a very blue 

feeling angry

At myself

At the world 

And yet

In trying so hard to be authentically grateful through it all

Making it

It’s what pulls me through some days

It’s the life-vest

On the throws of the deep ocean

Of a life I’m living 

Do u understand too?

I understand

And because I understand I love

We all have our struggles 

We all have our frailties 

Our insecurities 

Our vulnerabilities 

And for the most part I adore everyone

From my kids to the asshole tailgating me

I just do

I can’t help it

It’s who I am

You can’t unsee the seen

Or unfeel the felt

————-

It’s just that sometimes I have a hard time

Just with everything 

The more you are a recluse

The more you reclude

Except I don’t

At least I try not to

Really I do

—————

This is me trying people

This is me doing the best I can

For those that can accept that THANK YOU!!!

To those that can’t I’m sorry and hopefully the next person in your life does better

What else can I say?

This is all I got

And I’m ok with that

Shouldn’t I be?

Shouldn’t you be?

Can’t we all be?

___________

It’s just has to involve not just letting each other all be 

But showing each other genuine love and concern

Some people don’t know what that looks like

Everyone has their own learning style

But I think for the most part people learn hands on

So if you don’t model it

How are people to understand:

Acceptance 

Love

Trust

Starts within

And radiates out

And when you truly have it 

For yourself

It’s hard to not put out

It’s like the most beautiful benefit to being kind

Kind to yourself should (and if you look deep you know it does) equal

Kind to the world 

It makes you feel so good inside 

So good it makes the pain and sacrifices all worth it

——-

How is it not painful?

The things we do to each other in life

The things we do to ourselves 

The things we do when we think no one is watching

The things we hide 

Even from ourselves 

It’s a scary ass

Topsy-turvy life

But living fearlessly is the only way to tackle it 

Truly

———

How is it not a sacrifice?  Doing the right thing usually costs a lot more: like not putting you or your ANYTHING first, like accepting the seemingly unacceptable. Life is full of tough calls. The only way I’ve found to move around that is to find the win/win. There is always a win/win. As the world becomes more isolated and narrow minded those win/wins seem harder to find. Don’t they?*

———-

The problem I see is that it can’t be “me first”

UNLESS

you consider everything you see, feel, understand and do is part of that me; part of you; part of all of us. It’s ALL.  I don’t mean that figuratively is the thing. 

It’s comical maybe. It’s irrational to some maybe. It’s hard to encompass that into the reality most of us inhabit. I get it. 

Live it. Learn it. Be it. 

Bottom line:

Lead by example. It’s what I try to do. I like being kind. I try my darndest at least. Kindess to all and that kindness starts with honesty and compassion. But hey...I’m a work in progress just like everyone else is. It’s called being human. Yep. Strange huh.  How all alike we all truly are? 

———-

*I’d like to be part of a think tank. One where people respected each other’s ideologies and differences and got along mostly cohesively to try and solve all the world’s problems. A compilation of smart ass women and men of all backgrounds and environments: all political affiliations and temperaments. One of all accreditation’s and accomplishments: artists as well as scientist, laymen as well as PHD level Astrophysicists. That could be one awesome game of “let’s do this”. 

——

I’m so glad no one reads these. I am so stoned. 3:33 bitches. The Witching Hour

Psychoanalyze this (middle finger emoticon)

I am so raw right now

My emotions are on such high alert

The current flux in my life

And all that brings with it has me in a bit of a tailspin

Sometimes about to cry

Sometimes laughing hysterically

Some call if bi-polar*

But I call it living

Life comes at you in waves

Sometimes they are easy and you are floating in peace

Other times choppy and you are struggling to maintain your footing

Sometimes life is the bipolar one

And we are just struggling to get by

Or riding that high

So what?

Just so fucking what?

Label it and give it a bad rating and make people feel like shit

For just being who they are

Yea that makes so much fucking sense

Just let people be

Why is that so God damn hard for everyone

Schools, churches, governments, family, friends, lovers

Let me

Let everyone

Just be!!!

————————————

*i am not a danger to myself or others. Let’s not kid ourselves. I know exactly what it is to be of sound body and mind.

I’d just like a little breathing room from the peanut gallery please.

Staying out of trouble

I am lazy

Soooo lazy

And I don’t like having to rummage through my brain

When asked about situations to see what option I chose

And I just prefer to stick with one thing

It’s just easier to stick with one default

One I am comfortable with 

And suits my general mood

And that default is kindness

For starters it’s more pleasant

For all parties concerned 

Including myself

And I can almost always be assured my reasoning 

When questioned will uphold itself well

Because it wasn’t based on ego or selfishness

Now this doesn’t mean I didn’t gain from the situation 

Or come out ahead 

It usually does but not always 

All it really does

Is provide me with constant ease

Ease to know how to behave

Ease to know what to do

Ease to know I did the best I was capable of

Am I kind 100% of the time with everyone. 

Absolutely not

But the vast majority of the time with the vast majority of people

And if I am not I can always tell you exactly why I wasn’t 

But again... it’s so rare that’s its negligible 

Because I default to kindness 

(Or indifference at worst 

Which isn’t exactly great or what I’m aiming for

But is a good neutral stopping point I suppose 

Especially if due to whatever factors I just can’t seem to hit the mark)

So yea. Kindness keeps me out of trouble

Requires no mental gymnastics to try to navigate around 

And is a simpler and easier way to live 

Why wouldn’t everyone lead with that?

I don’t always understand that point

I guess in this “me first” society we’ve created here 

The thought of kindness is equated to weakness

And gullibility 

But it actually takes great strength sometimes to be kind 

Especially to those that appear the least deserving. 

That’s when it has at times been the greatest reward of all

Knowing I overcame great odds to do the right thing

Regardless of how I was treated

Makes me proud, gives me peace and keeps me for the most part pretty happy

And those are priceless commodities 

Well worth any sacrifices I have to make

Any internal struggles I have to fight

To achieve it

And it just keeps me out of trouble. 

Win/Win