And I’ve suffered some pretty brutal realities
Abuse
Homelessness
Suicide attempts
And that’s the short list
The long list is a doozy
So it’s odd for me to still feel an inner calmness
Even through the turmoil
Not always.
Sometimes I have to really dig to feel it
But it is there
Accessible
I guess two things keep me grounded still
1) belief that the universe, God, fate, what-have-you can deliver miracles and I am doing all I can to keep hope alive while I strive to give it a hand in whatever rudimentary fashion I can think of.
2) it’s all inconsequential either way really. One day I will die. One day everything will die. What does it really matter? It won’t even matter to me one day. So really. What’s the struggle for? If I pick up and walk out the front door right now and just keep walking...it may be of some consequence to someone now and maybe have some ripple affects...sure, but ultimately...in the grand scheme of infinity this time and space capsule is irrelevant...as truly am I. As truly is everyone and everything. Sooo. Me trying my best to live life on my own terms, within the confines allowed, is good enough...no matter the consequences. Because ultimately it doesn’t even matter, so all I can do is exactly what I am doing now. Living! Being! Present!
“Here!”
Was that my name called?
Dearest angels can you hear me?
——-
Note to self
Stay positive
Stay in the now
Keep moving forward
(No matter how many steps you fall back)
—————-
And the truth is sometimes I feel elated
So close to God or just non-head space
So at peace
(like the still of a hurricane maybe lol jk)
But then times like this I feel
So very sad and feeling so very broken
And then other times
once in a very blue
feeling angry
At myself
At the world
And yet
In trying so hard to be authentically grateful through it all
Making it
It’s what pulls me through some days
It’s the life-vest
On the throws of the deep ocean
Of a life I’m living
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What would you say to you in response if you were me?