Changed my mind

i used to think

That love was magical

That when you would fall in love with someone

It was everything you wanted and more

And that the sun would rise and set with this person

And I do still believe that

With my entire being

I just don't believe it's for me

I no longer believe I have the opportunity for that in life

And it's ok

I'm perfectly ok with it

Truly I am

It's not that I don't want to love again

Because I do

It's that.

Things are different.

My life is different.

It's all about my girls.

They mean the world to me

They are my everything's. My darling Angels

A mother could not be more proud

Of such 3 magical beings

Well ok

A lot of mothers

Most mothers (thank God) feel this way

Hooray for moms

But.

Maybe my choices in life got me to a point where

It's not out there for me

Truthfully

I can be okay without it. I truly can.

And especially right now

When it will just make things  complicated

That's not what I need

Sure

Everyone wants to be loved

Even more importantly

We want to love

But for now I have the girls to attuned to

I have their happiness to think of

They did not chose this life

They did not chose for the situation they are going through (divorce)

So.

You know what

I can accept

And live with it perfectly fine.

If it means a better life for my children

Then so be it.

I do love men

What's not to love, right?

But I don't need to bring anyone around them

I don't need to introduce them to people they shouldn't be meeting.

Ugghhh.

I really can accept it

Who needs to love just one person anyway

When I can go around loving the entire world (like Jesus, not Magdelena).*

I know it's offensive for some people that I compare myself to Jesus. Obviously I am not Jesus, obviously. Let me introduce myself. Massiel Galla at your service. But wasn't it Jesus who said he was no better than anyone else though. Didn't he?

Had a hard day

Confusing day*

Spoke to probably one of the absolutely smartest people I've ever talked to.

A guy with a great heart. Good, good man.

And he had me upside down

(Head out of gutter please)

Looking at things from so many sides

Because

It can be fun

But it's all a shit show

It's all people doing the best they can

In what life gave them

And having to look hard at yourself

And how you ended up how you did

Holding up that mirror to yourself

That's a hard pill to swallow

Isn't it?

But you never learn more

Than at that moment

When the vail of your masque gets peeled away

The one you never even reveal to yourself

The one you're scared to talk about

If you let yours to recover from that

With humility

With acceptance

With gratitude

And truly learn from it

Life will change right?

Once you become truly aware

What choice do you have

Can't live in denial forever

Right?

God, I am confused. God please show me the way. God please open my heart to your plan for me.  Because I know. My life is not my own. It is really your life. The life you gave me.  And I am trying so hard to be here to serve it.

*so excuse my previous writings for the day.  My thinking is very skewed today.