Hardest thing

The hardest thing in life

For me

Has been trying to live outside the realm of fear

And outside the incarceration of hatred

It is by far the most difficult path to tread in life

Because it is constantly reinforced in us to fear

To distrust

To hate

Maybe sometimes out of good intentions

Maybe sometimes rightfully so

But I'd venture to say.

Mostly it isn't

Mostly it's at the cost of our very souls

At the cost of our own freedoms

And happiness

So I fight

This mostly inner battle

Waged against the very world

And.....

What I have learned is that

If I fight it with hope

With love

With kindness

With openness

With acceptance

With trust in God

With trust in myself

And my own instincts

And the cosmic forces of the universe

It opens up a path

That is much easier

Which feels good

Which feels comforting and righteous

Not in a holier than though way

But in a Godly way

Is it easy?

Hell no

Mostly not

Sometimes yes

I'm not sure what it takes

Some say...change your inner dialogue

"Tell yourself it's easy"

Maybe the more you do it

The more ingrained it becomes

Maybe it is always a struggle

Here's where a mentor would come in handy

But I consider myself a religion of one

And I'm not about to latch on to anything that doesn't resonate with my heart

Or anything that doesn't resonate within my soul

It is my quest

Has my path been circuitous?

Quite so

Yes

Has it been full of errors and pitfalls

Lessons of the pain endured from not listening to my heart

Yes

Yes it has

But I hope to have many many more years

To keep at it

To keep searching for Nirvana

Wherever I may find it

Within

Without

Inside

Outside

In light

As well as dark

May it come

May I be open to it

May I feel it

Understand it

Live it

Every possible moment I can

Goodbye old friend

recently

I've been shedding friends

At a bit of a faster clip than I've been making them

But

The friends I've been making are more in line with my ideological views

And even more importantly 

My spiritual views

And the ones I am shedding seem to be fringed with anger,

Bitterness and even....dare I say....without sounding full of myself....

a wee bit of jealousy 

Which quite honestly

Is not an emotion I comprehend that well

(Unless it's associated with a man perhaps; which seems different.  Albeit still petty perhaps.)

As far as I see it

We all have our pluses and minuses in life

No one escapes suffering

Be it by outside factors

Or ones inside ourselves (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc)

And even  "easy street"  is lined with pitfalls

(Not that I'd know from experience; mind you)

I don't have it all figured out

I struggle daily 

To be better

To be at peace

To be the best me; mom, friend, neighbor, citizen, human I can be

I try to bring hope 

Compassion 

Laughter

Understanding 

Acceptance

And most especially a good attitude

With me everywhere I go

With every encounter I make

Every chance I am given

Does it always manifest that way

Um...no

I fail abysmally sometimes

But I keep trying

I offer myself forgiveness

Which I also ask of God

And others when I feel I have injured them

I try to demonstrate gratitude 

And give thanks to all those who offer me assistance; paid or not

Although not quite as often as I should I realize

And again also to God

And I try

Very, very hard sometimes to have acceptance

For whatever comes

That for reasons I may never comprehend things happen the way they do

And I look for peace within myself for that

And I ask for peace from God

Do all these tactics work?

Mostly

Which just reinforces them and solidifies them more

Could something one day break that?

Maybe. Who knows?  I'm not there yet. 

So for all the friends I've lost 

I bid ye farewell

I bode you no ill will

I would take no bit of happiness away from you or anyone else

I hope one day you can feel that same peace

And so

Please don't envy me

Don't paint my life into some fictional perfect mirage

And don't wish yourself to have anything I have

Along with my pluses come minuses as well. 

You be you

And let me be please

Take me out of your covetous psyche 

And discard me completely if you must 

If that's how it need be

I let things go as they go

And come as they come

Or at least

That's how I'm trying to live

And you; we both seem to agree

Must now go