This may just stop

one day

I’m probably going to stop writing

Because I’m going to stop living my life in dialogue

I’m going to start just being in the moment

Every moment

And I won’t be in my head enough to come up with words

To say anything of any meaning to anyone

Except what comes out in the moment IRL

*****

Writing has always appealed to me

As an introvert

As a person who craves solace and solitude

A person naturally melancholic

As a default

But one day

It may just disappear

That desire to be heard

To be understood

To be accepted for who I am

When I am all those things for myself

Completely

Perhaps then

I won’t feel compelled to leave this verbal trace behind

Meanwhile

This is good for me

It’s a reminder of where I’ve been

Markers on the road

Of who I am

Who I am becoming

Who I have been

Forgiveness of self is hard to come by sometimes

God

Forgive me

But more importantly forgive my children

The ones I chose not to have

Let them re-enter the kingdom of heaven

They do not deserve to pay for my sins

I was foolish

I was naive

I was wrong

Let them have peace

And be one with you again

I want so much to return to you at the end of this journey

But while here

I want to see my children flourish

To hold my grandchildren in my arms

To peer into my great grandchildren's eyes and see your glory come to earth

I will try to keep on your path or rather

The path that I think will lead to you

But if I must repay my debt to these children

My debt to you

For taking their lives

By going to hell

If that is my punishment

Then so be it

If I must or can go to save them

Then let it be so

I know you

You are not a vengeful entity

You are not full of wrath and scorn

I believe that you will welcome me into your glory

I hope and pray this is so

But forgive me please God

I beseech you to have mercy upon me

As well as I beseech those sweet angels to hear my plea

I knew not fully what I was doing

And I would not do it again given the knowledge I have now

The knowledge I didn't quite attain until I had my own children

I know I have been blessed and cursed

In that I have seen heaven and hell

I wish  that you had let me stay in heaven with you then

But that was not my road to travel

Whatever road I have left before me

Let me travel that road in your honor

Let me travel that rode in complete truth

Fearlessly (courageously)

In humility

With grace

And with forgiveness

That I will give to myself

As well as others

That it may be the same grace and forgiveness I may receive

When my time has come to pass

*******

Forgive me my sweetest darlings

That I may one day know you again

That I may one day be able to love you again

This is my very true wish