All is not lost

This is probably the most trying time I’ve had in my life

And I’ve suffered some pretty brutal realities

Abuse

Homelessness

Suicide attempts

And that’s the short list

The long list is a doozy

So it’s odd for me to still feel an inner calmness

Even through the turmoil

Not always.

Sometimes I have to really dig to feel it

But it is there

Accessible

I guess two things keep me grounded still

1) belief that the universe, God, fate, what-have-you can deliver miracles and I am doing all I can to keep hope alive while I strive to give it a hand in whatever rudimentary fashion I can think of.

2) it’s all inconsequential either way really. One day I will die. One day everything will die. What does it really matter?  It won’t even matter to me one day. So really. What’s the struggle for? If I pick up and walk out the front door right now and just keep walking...it may be of some consequence to someone now and maybe have some ripple affects...sure, but ultimately...in the grand scheme of infinity this time and space capsule is irrelevant...as truly am I. As truly is everyone and everything. Sooo. Me trying my best to live life on my own terms, within the confines allowed, is good enough...no matter the consequences. Because ultimately it doesn’t even matter, so all I can do is exactly what I am doing now. Living!  Being!  Present!

“Here!”

Was that my name called?

Dearest angels can you hear me?

——-

Note to self

Stay positive
Stay in the now
Keep moving forward
(No matter how many steps you fall back)


—————-

And the truth is sometimes I feel elated

So close to God or just non-head space 

So at peace 

(like the still of a hurricane maybe lol jk)

But then times like this I feel 

So very sad and feeling so very broken

And then other times

once in a very blue 

feeling angry

At myself

At the world 

And yet

In trying so hard to be authentically grateful through it all

Making it

It’s what pulls me through some days

It’s the life-vest

On the throws of the deep ocean

Of a life I’m living 

Do u understand too?

I understand

And because I understand I love

We all have our struggles 

We all have our frailties 

Our insecurities 

Our vulnerabilities 

And for the most part I adore everyone

From my kids to the asshole tailgating me

I just do

I can’t help it

It’s who I am

You can’t unsee the seen

Or unfeel the felt

————-

It’s just that sometimes I have a hard time

Just with everything 

The more you are a recluse

The more you reclude

Except I don’t

At least I try not to

Really I do

—————

This is me trying people

This is me doing the best I can

For those that can accept that THANK YOU!!!

To those that can’t I’m sorry and hopefully the next person in your life does better

What else can I say?

This is all I got

And I’m ok with that

Shouldn’t I be?

Shouldn’t you be?

Can’t we all be?

___________

It’s just has to involve not just letting each other all be 

But showing each other genuine love and concern

Some people don’t know what that looks like

Everyone has their own learning style

But I think for the most part people learn hands on

So if you don’t model it

How are people to understand:

Acceptance 

Love

Trust

Starts within

And radiates out

And when you truly have it 

For yourself

It’s hard to not put out

It’s like the most beautiful benefit to being kind

Kind to yourself should (and if you look deep you know it does) equal

Kind to the world 

It makes you feel so good inside 

So good it makes the pain and sacrifices all worth it

——-

How is it not painful?

The things we do to each other in life

The things we do to ourselves 

The things we do when we think no one is watching

The things we hide 

Even from ourselves 

It’s a scary ass

Topsy-turvy life

But living fearlessly is the only way to tackle it 

Truly

———

How is it not a sacrifice?  Doing the right thing usually costs a lot more: like not putting you or your ANYTHING first, like accepting the seemingly unacceptable. Life is full of tough calls. The only way I’ve found to move around that is to find the win/win. There is always a win/win. As the world becomes more isolated and narrow minded those win/wins seem harder to find. Don’t they?*

———-

The problem I see is that it can’t be “me first”

UNLESS

you consider everything you see, feel, understand and do is part of that me; part of you; part of all of us. It’s ALL.  I don’t mean that figuratively is the thing. 

It’s comical maybe. It’s irrational to some maybe. It’s hard to encompass that into the reality most of us inhabit. I get it. 

Live it. Learn it. Be it. 

Bottom line:

Lead by example. It’s what I try to do. I like being kind. I try my darndest at least. Kindess to all and that kindness starts with honesty and compassion. But hey...I’m a work in progress just like everyone else is. It’s called being human. Yep. Strange huh.  How all alike we all truly are? 

———-

*I’d like to be part of a think tank. One where people respected each other’s ideologies and differences and got along mostly cohesively to try and solve all the world’s problems. A compilation of smart ass women and men of all backgrounds and environments: all political affiliations and temperaments. One of all accreditation’s and accomplishments: artists as well as scientist, laymen as well as PHD level Astrophysicists. That could be one awesome game of “let’s do this”. 

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I’m so glad no one reads these. I am so stoned. 3:33 bitches. The Witching Hour