All a fallacy

ugghhh

I’ve been writing since I can remember. I feel in love with reading in 3rd grade thanks to Mr. Schaffer and soon thereafter writing.

I came back to writing voraciously within the last year. I have 3 blogs and a Medium profile I write on as well. The only people that generally read my blogs I’ve noted are other writers. Which is horrendous.

Why?

Because they feel compelled to write based of things I wrote. It’s my own fault. I put it out into the world for all to see and judge. I should consider it a compliment that I inspire them to write off of something I said but truthfully I find it tedious and droll.

I recognize I do the same thing they do; which is talk in absolutes as if I knew everything.  The thing is that I am the first to admit that I know nothing more than what I think I know and that is rudimentary and base at best.

I have the answers to my own life and nothing else. I ventured away from this blog to expand my viewership and write about topics that are not spiritual in nature.

I forget the digital world is a heartless bitch of a place. Even the support one gets is based in a virtual world, not necessarily tangible or even real.

I need a break.

I’m disgusted by other writers trying to make a living by tearing others apart or playing off of others thoughts, specifically here MINE. Live with yourselves. I don’t have to care. I really don’t. Yea. Stopping now.

All is not lost

This is probably the most trying time I’ve had in my life

And I’ve suffered some pretty brutal realities

Abuse

Homelessness

Suicide attempts

And that’s the short list

The long list is a doozy

So it’s odd for me to still feel an inner calmness

Even through the turmoil

Not always.

Sometimes I have to really dig to feel it

But it is there

Accessible

I guess two things keep me grounded still

1) belief that the universe, God, fate, what-have-you can deliver miracles and I am doing all I can to keep hope alive while I strive to give it a hand in whatever rudimentary fashion I can think of.

2) it’s all inconsequential either way really. One day I will die. One day everything will die. What does it really matter?  It won’t even matter to me one day. So really. What’s the struggle for? If I pick up and walk out the front door right now and just keep walking...it may be of some consequence to someone now and maybe have some ripple affects...sure, but ultimately...in the grand scheme of infinity this time and space capsule is irrelevant...as truly am I. As truly is everyone and everything. Sooo. Me trying my best to live life on my own terms, within the confines allowed, is good enough...no matter the consequences. Because ultimately it doesn’t even matter, so all I can do is exactly what I am doing now. Living!  Being!  Present!

“Here!”

Was that my name called?

Dearest angels can you hear me?

——-

Note to self

Stay positive
Stay in the now
Keep moving forward
(No matter how many steps you fall back)


—————-

And the truth is sometimes I feel elated

So close to God or just non-head space 

So at peace 

(like the still of a hurricane maybe lol jk)

But then times like this I feel 

So very sad and feeling so very broken

And then other times

once in a very blue 

feeling angry

At myself

At the world 

And yet

In trying so hard to be authentically grateful through it all

Making it

It’s what pulls me through some days

It’s the life-vest

On the throws of the deep ocean

Of a life I’m living