Nirvana and the six pack

He lived a few doors down on the opposite side of the hall from me, in the Firman Apartments off of 7th Street. I still remember the moment I saw him. To be completely accurate, I had seen him before a few times, very quickly in passing or from a distance. I had thought nothing more than another young guy in the apartments. But this one day changed everything.

It was a hot summer day. I was coming out of my apartment headed towards the stairs and he was walking bear chested towards me. He was headed towards the fire escape that flanked mine and the other apartment in the front of the building. That he wore no shirt didn't really stand out, even with his muscular trim leading the way. It was when he smiled at me that time felt as if it stood still. Just like all those corny movies depict.

Pan out a few years and you have an off-again, on-again tumultuous, passion driven, obsessive relationship. It was a love layered with maddening ecstasy and overwhelming despair. Towards the end we both wielded control over each other like zealot dictators. Love gave us this power and we savagely abused it. On one of our last break-ups, after a spell in which we were both suffocating each other in tyranny and depression, he packed and left. It was then that I experienced what can only be described as Nirvana. In talking to some people familiar with it, it seems that escaping an oppressing situation shot me into a complete sense of freedom.

Physically my world was exactly the same, but for 3 days after he left my mind and soul where on a different plane. It's hard to put into words something that is so difficult to grasp. Mostly because it is a concept that not everyone is particularly familiar with. I can't equate it to anything commonplace, but I'm going to try to describe it as best I can. Lovers and athletes may be familiar with a very similar sensation, when time seems to not exist, when everything feels perfect, as if your in complete sync with the universe. You have this sense of deep happiness and peace. Like everything is as it should be and you are at one with it all. It isn't something you think about or are even conscious of really, it just is. I had no fear, no worries, I lived each second with joy and exuberance. One of the highlights of my three days was the simple act of eating an apple. This beautiful experience of truly enjoying every single moment, every taste. I was completely present and fully alive. There was no sense of time, because the past and the future did not come into play, I was so enraptured by the moment, so wanting to soak it all in, every breath, every nuance. I was excited to experience whatever came my way. So thrilled to live whatever life set before me, so happy to see what each sinlge moment brought with it. I felt life flow through me, around me, and I was such a part of it and it me.

I remember at one point when I was crossing the street (semi-jaywalking), the cars stopped for me. This was a part of the street where cars ran fast and never stopped. Yet then, there, they all stopped, as if there had been a signal. It was if the flow of life was working with me. At that moment as I stared in awe at the stopped cars I understood exactly how the sea had parted for Moses. It was his way, it was his turn to go. And the Universe was in complete sync with him, even as it ran contrary to it's supposed "laws". This is how I have come to know that miracles are not that miraculous. They are just manifestations of the rightful order of things. I'm sorry if this isn't making sense, but it's as clearly as I can explain something absolutely intangible and seemingly surreal.

I remember too that twice strangers stopped me and supplicated for me to "be careful". I knew that they could sense how open I was, how open my heart was and they feared for me. I understood how afraid they themselves were, and I felt deep compassion for them, and so humbled by their genuine concerns. But I felt so utterly alive. More alive than I had ever felt before. I made the grave mistake of analyzing it, letting it go to my head. This slowly brought me back to "reality". I remember when he came back and I was trying to explain to him what had happened to me, and at that precise moment where I was halfway boasting of the experience, I completely lost it all. Every nuance was totally gone.

I've had moments of bliss. Moments I've felt close to God. Moments of ecstasy to be alive, but it's never been the same. I suppose that even if I were to experience it all again, it would never be exactly the same. It would be completely different, completely new, completely it's own experience. I'm sure of it. And one day, one day, I'll be there again..... I'm capable. Actually, we're all capable. It's just a matter of finding it within myself again. It's here waiting. It exists, within this reality, within this moment, it exists. It is me that needs to find my way there, because it is right here waiting. I know it is.