I procreated

Maybe I can explain it scientifically

Maybe my heart is broken beyond repair

I don't know that for sure

I do know

That I'm 43 now (I was about to type in 42lol)

I'm done conceiving children

I've loved many men

I've lived many adventures with men

I'm done

I'm really done

I feel like

I have work to do

And I can't and won't be backed down from it

Any longer

I don't need a person to orchestrate my life for me

I just want someone who can show up when I need them

And that I can hopefully do the same for

That we can have sex

And fun

That I can that with my life

With my heart

And they can do the same

That time

Distance

Nothing will stop our bond

I thought I had that

But nothing that hurts that much

Can be called love

Nothing that harms you that much

Can possibly be real

Love is meant to hurt in a good way

It's meant to break you open to love even more

It's not suppose to close you up

It's not suppose to break your heart

In a damaging way

I've finally learned that

Of course I have no knowledge at all

Of how to apply that

So for now.

No men

And maybe at some point

Someone will will come along

That I can be completely me with

Who will support me in that 100%

And that I can trust and have fun with

In a real

you be you too way

But for now

I'm perfectly and completely satisfied with nothing

And no one.

Just me

And my little tribe


--

Right now. I am the paranoid mom of three beautiful girls that I have no intention of ever putting in harms way. So help me God.

I love my blog

Because it's still my own

It isn't owned

It isn't coerced

It isn't judged

It's my own voice

Reaching out towards heaven

Reaching out to the world

In secret

The best way to be

Behind the scenes

(Trying to be at least)

I don't need to shine too bright

I don't need to affect everyone I see

Good or bad

I just want to be me

Whatever that means

------

I have all these stickers on my car. Right;

I love Rainbows
Gratitude=Happiness
Love is my religion
Smile more -complain less (I'm secretly super bosy sometimes lol; just when I feel I have to be.  When works needs to be done. Otherwise sometimes shit doesn't happen that needs to and I don't want to be blamed for that. I don't want to blame myself for that.)
One love
God bless everyone - no exceptions
Everyone is fighting their own battle - be kind always (something like that; not exact verbiage)

And I feel like taking it down sometimes because I want the right to be bitchy sometimes

I want the right to stand up for myself when I need to

I'm sorry that sometimes I'm in a hurry

That's the banality of my life

I never have all the time I want with all the people I want

It can't be helped

That is my can of stress.

So once in a while

When it gets to me too

I want to be able to pass a car going slowly (when safe and prudent) and not be judged

I want to be able to not be a target for abuse

No matter how many good intentions there are about the contrary

I deserve that right and many more.

Yet it seems hypocritical to have those stickers and do the above too

I shouldn't. Feel that way though.

I should be able to be me

No matter who that is

Who shows up for the party

That's always been my stance

And for now.

I'm sticking with it

I guess we shall see who wins that battle. Lol