Hypocrisy

we all suffer from it

Mild variations to wild showings of it

All day long really

We simply make justifications

Unwittingly most times

Knowingly very, very few

Which makes hypocrisy probably one of the most common ills of our species

Along with lying and selfishness of course

Hand in hand (most oft)

I try so hard

To not do this

But sometimes I fail miserably

And sometimes I fail without being able to stop myself

This happens A LOT when I'm PMS'ing

And/or in full migraine mode

Where everything and everyone just crawls up my nerves

Where the only solace seems to come from barricading myself in my room

Dimming the lights

And resting away the day

Hormones are a bane

I see the necessity

Biologically speaking.

I understand it

But emotionally

The tirade hormones subject me to

Is at times so difficult to overcome

That's it's almost comical

Case in point

I found myself taking out my pretend gun (index finger pointed) at a driver yesterday that tailgated me

Then proceeded to pass me way too close for comfort and then decided to slow down to a crawls pace.

Where most days this would be fodder for laughter yesterday it sent me in a tizzy

And I shot at them

Which then got my daughter to say what a good influence I was being to the toddler

Which then got me thinking of all the stickers I have on my car of love and gratitude

And how some days

I can't carry that load

Some days I have to take out my pretend gun and shoot someone

I have compassion for myself

Through it all though.

I try at least

Maybe one day I'll learn to best these hormonally caused mood swings

I have hope for that

But.

I recognize also that

I can't entirely blame hormones for my periods of hypocrisy

I have being human to blame for that;

rationalizations.

It's a mind of matter thing really. No?

It takes being always mindful

Always on guard

Always fighting the tide of selfishness

And that unfortunately

Is probably never ending.

I find it easier to stem that tide when I try to come at all things with compassion, acceptance and love

But I'm sure everyone is entitled to off days. Lol

Just REFUSE

I refuse to believe in things that don't make sense to me

I'm not a fucking idiot

I have an IQ far above average in fact**

But sometimes things "just don't make no sense" - as old time farmers and westerners used to say in those old west movies.  No idea if it's true. Would like to think so; but I wasn't there and this  stuff has been put into history quite well with stories of old. I'm sure there are even language/colloquial dialogues of the time well documented somewhere.. Guess its just a matter of who you believe always.

I have a right to believe WHOEVER I want. It's my life. It's my body. It's my environment. I should have some control over it. Period!  The only caveat is that I can not impose my views on anyone else's life; except my own children at most and not always if I am harming them more than not.*

End of fucking story.


*yea right. Like that would ever happen. I give my life for this girls and have absolutely no issues doing it. At all! Doesn't mean I can't still take care of me too in the process. I always try to make things a win/win. And why the hell not?  Answer me that.

I don't have to go around hurting ANYONE just to get what I want. No!  It isn't necessary. You just Havyo keep trying. You have to keep trying to do all things in love. Hard as hell and yet so intimately and ultimately  simple.

**I was tested far above average in High School. So. I've lost a few brain cells along the way. A)  No more so then people tend to lose as they age and B) I can feel them rejuvenate (literally) when I meditate or am in deep yoga/Thai chi.  -  Look.  I'm not going to be on jealousy anytime soon; maybe wheels of fortune and that's at best. Lol. It's not that I think I am inherently smarter (because I don't think that's the case at all) it's that I comprehend things sometimes a little better than most people do. But that comprehension is easy to see when you just open your heart and even the "dumbest"  people on earth can usually understand that one (inherently sometimes).