Nothing to say?

I've missed writing. But I don't feel I have much to say that hasn't been said much more eloquently, I'm sure. 

My daily trajectories aren't astronomically different from most peoples. I aim for what most people want in life I'm sure. 

Happiness, health, peace, bonding with friends, family and/or a community of like minded/hearted people, prosperity, to feel understood and to understand (especially those I most care about), to love and be loved, to do something worthwhile and meaningful, to make a difference, to handle myself with as much grace as I can and give myself and others as much compassion and kindness as I can muster, all whilst trying to maintain a good deal of humility and not take myself or most things all that seriously. 

Lofty really...too much so I think.... and every single day I miss the mark in at least a few areas. But I muddle on. I keep thanking God for each day I wake up and for each night I lay my head down in the comfort of a warm bed in my safe home in this quiet town with hopefully a clear conscience and peace of mind that I tried my best. I ask for forgiveness for my transgressions; albeit however small they may have been. Not stopping to completely listen to my child talk. Smirking at a stranger for no good reason. Pulling into traffic when it may not have been my turn. And so on and so forth. 

I'm not trying to be hard on myself or have expectations of perfection. I truly don't think I am or do. However I think it's good to have goals and some expectation of trying to improve. Trying to be the best me I can be at that given moment in time. Trying to learn from my mistakes. Is that entirely possible?  Yes. I think so. But it takes a fair amount of observing ones behavior, acknowledging it, understanding it (if possible) and figuring out how to redirect it into a different path next time. Doesn't it?  But what if I'm wrong?

What if all it takes is not all this stress?  Not all these endeavors. Not all this redirection. What if all it takes is slowing down?  Breathing. Softening my eyes. Opening my heart. Listening to that voice inside that speaks lovingly and purely. That makes me feel good and directs me towards the path of true happiness. The path that leads to my true self. To being a being of love. Towards myself and towards the entire world. With no exceptions. 

Isn't that the path of God?  

It's hard to slow down though. The stress of life. The news/media. The anger, fear and anxiety all around.  These things aren't conducive to listening to our hearts.  Then ad to that the constant bombardment of noise, people and electronics. How is that suppose to connect us back to ourselves?  That's why it's so good to spend some time in nature or in silence every day. Some quiet time of contemplation.  Meditation. Prayer. Just a walk around the block sometimes helps me immensely. Each person knows deep down what they need; I think. They just have to take away the road blocks. 

The best way I've found to do that is simply not by admonishing the things I don't want or like. The things that are detrimental. But just by adding the things I do want. It's harder to stop myself from eating a bag of chips than to just add going to the gym. Maybe eventually...I'll add enough fruit and vegetables and healthy snacks to where I simply don't have room or the desire for the chips anymore. But I won't stress that now. I'll simply add what I do want in my life and let the things I don't want fall to the side naturally. All by themselves. 

Because while self subjugation appears to be the right way to go and I fall into it so naturally....it seems. It has little actual long term efficacy. The easiest way. The most loving way. Is actually the most successful way to change. To grow. To become who I really want to be. Or I could settle for what I have been doing. Which is equal doses of complacency, despair, resignation, self-sabotage, self loathing, and on and on. 

I wrestle these beasts almost daily it seems. But in the moments I can stop fighting them and instead offer myself compassion and deep acceptance. In those flashes of letting go of chastising myself; I have such a deep sense of peace.  I only wish that feeling to always be present; for myself and every other person walking this earth. To feel how good it feels to inhabit a place of coming at the whole world (starting with myself) through the eyes of deep, honest kindness and love. 

Wish that I could make that feeling last forever.  But no admonishment here. Just a longing.  Which I'll counteract that with soft eyes, deep breathing, and more love. 

Love all around. Sprinkling heavily. Watching it grow. ;)

Buy stock

buy stock in kindness

Use it by the bushel

Sprinkle it liberally everywhere you go

To all you meet

Kindness is by far the most underrated virtue

It costs practically and usually literally nothing

Yet can deeply impact people's lives

It is so very important to be kind as much as you can to all you can

Not because of merit points

Not for some recompense

Not to impress or appease

Not to seek anything at all in return

But just because you can

The power you hold to be kind

Is as moving a force as pure evil can be

Save in an opposite direction of course

And to top it off

Because feeling that kind of true power, making a difference and deeply impacting the world may not be enough for some people perhaps

Is that that kindness you feel for others

Has no choice but to radiate within you as well

And shine brightly for yourself

And if you can't see the benefit there

Then I got nothing for ya. Sorry.

Go talk to a real stock broker maybe.

Mantra #1

I am nothing
I am no one
I am everything
I am everyone

Soul mates?

I tell my children that soul mates don't necessarily exist

Rather we each have one person in our lives we loved the absolute most

That was the most precious to us

Someone we feel deeply and inexplicably drawn to love

To cherish

To want to share our lives with

To want to share their journey as well

Was that one person preordained for us?

I don't know the answer to that

I wish I did

But maybe then we wouldn't feel a sense of control

Maybe we would have a grandiose sense of entitlement

Or a deflated sense of despair

Who knows

***

I like to believe that as long as we open up to love completely

When it comes

We can have that love time and time again

The real trick in my opinion 

Is finding it and letting it bloom with someone that is actually good for u

And that you are good for

That brings us mutual positivity

That nurtures both parties

To the degree we each need and/or desire

And not to excess as a parent or guardian might

Or not too excessively little or actually detrimental 

***

To walk the fine line between what your heart wants

And what is actually good for you

Not good for your superficialities

Your position

Your family

Your p&l spreadsheets

Your image

Your ego

The status quo

Etc etc

Someone who is good for your soul

Who is good to your heart

Who treasures the real you deeply

And acceptingly

Finding that

Fostering that

The work that it takes

Which if done right

Feels like no work at all really

Feels like the most natural thing in the world

Or at least

That's been my experience

This far

***

But Again. Who knows

At this point in life

I have very few absolutes

I waver almost petulantly it may seem

From thing to thing

That's what flowing with life

Feels like

Like surfing an ever changing wave

For which I must make ever constant adjustments

To stay centered

And keep keeping on

Staying connected to moment by moment 

Body, mind, spirit 

Connected 

Deeply

In honesty

In complete truth

Not just going through the motions

That freedom

Can 

And should be lived in every day life

To be the happiest

The most full of love and light

That we can be

***

Not necessarily easy perhaps

Not ever so particularly hard

If one just decides to do it 

And keep doing it

Time and time again

*if we are lucky

Sacrifice

People sacrifice themselves every day to the alter of love

Not literally of course

I mean that they take a hit for love

For compassion

To make a difference in the world

To heal others

To try and heal By stripping wide open the pain

Of bearing it

I've seen it so much

In ordinary people

Leading ordinary lives

The love is there

To help a stranger

To make a difference

To be in the flow with life

To be open to loving

To let the walls down

Even if it's only to prop up someone else's for a moment or two

Santa and God

My God.

Because he isn't a man

Because he doesn't live in the sky

Because God really does see everything

Is part of everything

Can coincide with Santa better I think

Does that mean I agree completely with lying to children

About carrying on a charade that they deeply believe and love

And then ripping it away from them.

Most people see it as beneficial and harmless

Yet I see it as deception on a very deep level to trusting and innocent children

It's a lovely thought. But it's better left to fiction. Than passing it off as reality and then pulling the rug.  Plenty of things that are fictional are celebrated. Santa should be like that.

I like it too. The sentimentality of the season. But the look in my daughters eyes when I told her.

So she wouldn't get her heartbroken at school or accused of lying or being ignorant

She was of the age I truly thought appropriate.

Wish that I could have given her more years

Wish that it were true and I could give her a lifetime. Although. If you think about it. It is a strange concept.

An old man breaking into your house in the middle of the night?  No wonder that scares some autistic and even non-autistic children.

Don't be a tool

It's not about being a martyr or as Jesus and give the other cheek. It's just living in the moment. Going with the flow. Trying to be open. Receptive. Let the walls down. And always be filled with love. Always. 

Starts with 

A clean body

Which means

Clean air

Clean water

Clean and pure food

And within yet necessarily not of the body

Clean mind

Clean spirit/soul

Is there hope?

Maybe.*

It's an odd thing

This world

How it operates

There's this whole of society

They likes to pretend that deviancy is "other people"

That the "problems" of society is someone else

Not them

Not those they love

But truth be told

We all know a serial rapist, a pedophile, a killer, many seducers, many rapists, many thieves

And so forth and so on.....down the line. (For every "sin" imaginable.)

All of us

Have been touched by this

In our cities, communities; work, and play 

Some in our own houses

Some carry those burdens themselves

Yet because we maintain this false belief 

that it doesn't exist

It isn't us

And/or it won't happen to us

And if it does

We won't talk about it

We won't bring it out into the open

It doesn't get dealt with

It doesn't get looked at

Or rectified in a way that could benefit all of society

It gets marginalized for police to deal with

For the government to step in

And handle in whatever punishing way it can get away with or not get away with

Never to truly help

Never to truly combat the situation itself

But only to bandaid the gaping wound when it happens

And when it finally comes to light

So....

Is there hope for those "deviants"?

Only they themselves have the key to that answer

But as a society we should take a look at the fact

That we are doing nothing to truly help them

In fact society seems poised ever ready to push them more

To inspire them

To create them

In the way in which the world all runs

Based on so much fear

Based on so many falsities

And lies

It's no wonder really that 

There are so many issues on this one tiny little planet

Because

Turning a blind eye by

Obscuring and trying to hide, twist, stretch and/or deny the truth

Is probably the most vile sin of them all

The sin that starts them all

So 

is there hope?

For the sinners?

For the saints?

Is there hope?

Maybe

I like to believe so

Just not the way it's been going on

Not the way we've been doing it

Not with lies

Of any kind

Even little "white" ones

Why they call them white?

Why call anything anything?

Were that we could all just be psychic

None of these issues could exist

But no one likes being that naked 

And it takes a lot of mastery to learn how to filter it so you're psyche isn't bombarded with other people's emotions and ideas. As an empathy I know that well. 

So. Anyway. 

Who knows?

God

The Devil

Frankly there's probably only one of those I'd trust to answer that question right this second. 

Can the devil be honest?  Probably. But I never want to find out. 

*what would the most deviant of the deviant have to say?  Would that be inviting the devil to play?  Lol  

We are put on this earth to live the full experience of life.  That seems to mean circumventing the devil and all the evils of the world. Which puts us in very close proximity. Doesn't it?  At the very least. If not completely succumbing to it. We are social creatures. We are creatures that love to play. We are curious and inquisitive, clever and cunning, resourceful and adaptive. And with that comes a strong sense of play; Very strong. So sometimes. When the devil comes calling at the door. Sometimes we can't help but want to go out and play.  How we get out of this I couldn't rightly say. I happen to have an appreciation for the eightfold path though as a possible individual guide post. Is it easy?  No way. But it gets easier. The more you exercise your spiritual muscles. The more power they gain. Like all things. Right?  When done the right way. 

Eightfold path

1. Right view
2. Right intention
3. Right speech
4. Right action
5. Right livelihood
6. Right effort
7. Right mindfulness
8. Right concentration

And by right. They mean.  The way of Truth. Love. Peace and acceptance.  Or at least. That's my take. 

No response needed

Don't panic

Easier said than done

I recognize

No matter what happens

No matter what surfaces

You need not have an instant reaction to it

You need not let your mind and emotions jump ahead

of the reasoning in your heart

And your heart

At least mine

Is a light; almost distant drumming

That needs quiet and solace to be truly heard

And understood

Not that you don't want to jump out of the way of a speeding car

Or catch your child as they slip and fall

but barring true life of death immediate response necessary moments

And most often even in those

A few moments of quiet contemplation are perfectly acceptable

And most oft needed to ascertain exactly what one should do

If anything at all

Just because your bated

Or engaged

Doesn't mean you need respond

Or play along

Sometimes just acknowledging the game that is trying to be played

Is quite all that is needed

And nothing else

And absolutely nothing else

********

Sometimes

When I'm feeling stressed out

I tell myself

"I don't have to say anything"

"I don't need to do anything"

"Absolutely nothing at all"

"No response is mandated"

"Nothing"

"I can just be"

"Just be"

And that alone makes me feel a sense of relief

A sense of calm

Now

Does that mean I let people mistreat me or others?

Does that mean I don't duck an object whirling in my direction?

No. it just means I evaluate each situation for what it is

And recognize that more often than not

My response is not needed

Just observing

Just being aware

Just being conscious of what is happening

Seems to be more than enough

Not always

But mostly

And stopping

Mindfully watching

Grasping the entire situation (as best I can given what I know then)

And responding to that directly

In what I believe to be the best way possible

Without letting emotion take the lead

Or my mind talk me into what "should be"

Has saved my life

More times than even a cat could admit to*

*because a cat (supposedly) has 9 lives. Get it?  I love being funny. Although my kids tell me I'm not funny. I laugh!  Doesn't that count?  Here again they say no. But I say yes. So there!  (Insert smile tongue out emoticon here)

Hardest thing

The hardest thing in life

For me

Has been trying to live outside the realm of fear

And outside the incarceration of hatred

It is by far the most difficult path to tread in life

Because it is constantly reinforced in us to fear

To distrust

To hate

Maybe sometimes out of good intentions

Maybe sometimes rightfully so

But I'd venture to say.

Mostly it isn't

Mostly it's at the cost of our very souls

At the cost of our own freedoms

And happiness

So I fight

This mostly inner battle

Waged against the very world

And.....

What I have learned is that

If I fight it with hope

With love

With kindness

With openness

With acceptance

With trust in God

With trust in myself

And my own instincts

And the cosmic forces of the universe

It opens up a path

That is much easier

Which feels good

Which feels comforting and righteous

Not in a holier than though way

But in a Godly way

Is it easy?

Hell no

Mostly not

Sometimes yes

I'm not sure what it takes

Some say...change your inner dialogue

"Tell yourself it's easy"

Maybe the more you do it

The more ingrained it becomes

Maybe it is always a struggle

Here's where a mentor would come in handy

But I consider myself a religion of one

And I'm not about to latch on to anything that doesn't resonate with my heart

Or anything that doesn't resonate within my soul

It is my quest

Has my path been circuitous?

Quite so

Yes

Has it been full of errors and pitfalls

Lessons of the pain endured from not listening to my heart

Yes

Yes it has

But I hope to have many many more years

To keep at it

To keep searching for Nirvana

Wherever I may find it

Within

Without

Inside

Outside

In light

As well as dark

May it come

May I be open to it

May I feel it

Understand it

Live it

Every possible moment I can