Prayer # what what

i am in God’s lightness and love

You are in God’s lightness and love

We are all God’s lightness and love

******

Wards off fear and spirits

This may just stop

one day

I’m probably going to stop writing

Because I’m going to stop living my life in dialogue

I’m going to start just being in the moment

Every moment

And I won’t be in my head enough to come up with words

To say anything of any meaning to anyone

Except what comes out in the moment IRL

*****

Writing has always appealed to me

As an introvert

As a person who craves solace and solitude

A person naturally melancholic

As a default

But one day

It may just disappear

That desire to be heard

To be understood

To be accepted for who I am

When I am all those things for myself

Completely

Perhaps then

I won’t feel compelled to leave this verbal trace behind

Meanwhile

This is good for me

It’s a reminder of where I’ve been

Markers on the road

Of who I am

Who I am becoming

Who I have been

Forgiveness of self is hard to come by sometimes

God

Forgive me

But more importantly forgive my children

The ones I chose not to have

Let them re-enter the kingdom of heaven

They do not deserve to pay for my sins

I was foolish

I was naive

I was wrong

Let them have peace

And be one with you again

I want so much to return to you at the end of this journey

But while here

I want to see my children flourish

To hold my grandchildren in my arms

To peer into my great grandchildren's eyes and see your glory come to earth

I will try to keep on your path or rather

The path that I think will lead to you

But if I must repay my debt to these children

My debt to you

For taking their lives

By going to hell

If that is my punishment

Then so be it

If I must or can go to save them

Then let it be so

I know you

You are not a vengeful entity

You are not full of wrath and scorn

I believe that you will welcome me into your glory

I hope and pray this is so

But forgive me please God

I beseech you to have mercy upon me

As well as I beseech those sweet angels to hear my plea

I knew not fully what I was doing

And I would not do it again given the knowledge I have now

The knowledge I didn't quite attain until I had my own children

I know I have been blessed and cursed

In that I have seen heaven and hell

I wish  that you had let me stay in heaven with you then

But that was not my road to travel

Whatever road I have left before me

Let me travel that road in your honor

Let me travel that rode in complete truth

Fearlessly (courageously)

In humility

With grace

And with forgiveness

That I will give to myself

As well as others

That it may be the same grace and forgiveness I may receive

When my time has come to pass

*******

Forgive me my sweetest darlings

That I may one day know you again

That I may one day be able to love you again

This is my very true wish

Nothing - Everything - All

Nothing

Heaven is a place where there is no separation

There is no here

No there

No them

No us

It's just pure love

Pure acceptance

You are it

And it is you

I can't break that down any more really

There is no space and time

It's infinitesimal love and acceptance

In all directions

All at once

In complete power

Yet here on earth

We believe in space and time

We believe in separation of self

And others

We believe that the space between us exists and yet is intangible and therefor meaningless

But none of that is real

None of that is absolute

What it is

Really

When it comes down to it

Is you

In a different outfit

Coming to say hi to you in another outfit

So that there can be some acknowledgement of love's existence

So we may peer into the infinite

For a brief moment

From the outside in

But it's all an illusions

And the more we can see that

The more we can just sit back and appreciate what this life is

What is here for us

Who is before us

What we are experiencing in our own unique way

Who we are experiencing ourselves to be

Accepting and enjoying all of it

In all it's glory

The happier we will all be

******

If you are love

If you are everything and everyone

If you are all

How can you see yourself

How can you experience yourself

You're too busy being it

Living. It

At least that is my thought

And the moment you break consciousness with it

Is the moment you are born

Sex, sex and more sex.....just not at the moment.

Wr are animals

We are biologically driven to procreate

Which is why sex is so pleasurable

Right?

Being sentient beings one would think we could bypass this hard wiring 

Yes... we can consciously chose to not procreate 

We can chose to not have sex

But to not succumb to our hormonal ebbs and flows

To not be swayed by our libido 

And its urges

Is a bit harder a task 

And I wonder about that crux

Some would say sex is solely for procreation 

Some say prostitution has existed so long for good reason

Some would say sex is given by God to enjoy; take for example tantric sex

Some say whatever is consensual between adults is A-OK

I don't quite know

I know I enjoy sex tremendously 

I also know how my desire does fluctuate around my hormones 

And that the same sexual studies that prove  women are more sexually attractive to men when they are ovulating 

Prove why I prefer the epitome of the archetype man in my fantasies

While I feel there is no issue with this 

I also feel that one should not indulge to the point of being a detriment to oneself or others

Financially, physically, mentally, and/or emotionally

If one can have a healthy, happy, honest, consensual (adult) sex life 

Then awesome

Go for it!

Full steam ahead. 

There's got to be a balance in life 

In all aspects. 

No unnecessary deprivation

And no toxic obsession

That fine line where it all fits together 

That's where I aim to be

Where I can indulge the lust 

And still carry on a spiritual quest. 

Why should it not be possible?

I don't see a reason why not really

Sex can be spiritual 

Which may explain why I am currently celibate though 

As I strive to meld love, sex and spirit 

I abstain from meaningless endeavors 

But that's not to say I object to others indulging

For who am I to judge

It just means that the desire has grown into something different 

Something more meaningful 

Into wanting something truly spectacular 

Which is what the melding of those theee things mean to me

But who knows. 

We shall see. 

Tantric Sex is on my bucket list 

But so is getting married again 

So are so many great things. 

Life is too short to be boxed in to one thing

One way of thinking 

One way of being. 

I hold to my heart very few deep convictions 

Those have to primarily do with compassion, love, freedom, God, my children. 

But I try to not let my life be led by other people convictions of how my life should be

Which sometimes is harder to do than it should be. 

All that religiousn doctrines and all those social norms

Are hard to escape from sometimes 

And I waver in conundrums sometimes 

Navigating my way to what feels right for me

For my life

In my heart 

For my soul

And sex is A-ok with me

Be selfish for once

I am full of thanks


To feel the love of God surging within me


God is not something outside of ourselves


Because God is everywhere


In everything


And everyone


And when we are closest to God is when we find God within ourselves


When we connect to that spirit within us


We can be deeply inspired from things outside of ourselves of course:


Prayer


Song


A loved one


Beautiful scenery


A kind gesture


Meditation


Etc.


But it is because it is opening up a connection to that which is within

It is like a sparked that opens up a spigot


One that flows within each and every one ofus


Filling us up with the love of God


And the asiest way to keep that spigot open


And feel that surges constant flow


Is to give love


To give it as much as we can


Wherever we can


To all we can


Aiming for everywhere


In every situation


With everyone


All the time


Because that source


That spigot


That love


Is never ending


Always replenished


Always flowing


And the more you give


The stronger you feel it


The more you send out


The more rushes through you


It's the best form of selfishness in the world


And the only one I can advocate for completely

*******

I can't explain the feeling of deep humility that washes over me when I am shown the love of God outside of myself.

I have been humbled by God's love in so many ways: through people, through experiences that could be explained by no other way than miracles.

I am thankful to be present and open to it when I have been. I know Gods love is everywhere. I just have to open my heart to it. Let my spigot connect to the all. Because there really is no disconnect. Like water that flows ever changing, ever connected. We are but one source.

But I am not here trying to say that no other source exists. That which you call forth; that which you seek will find you. That which you focus on will appear. That which you chose to see is what you will see.

And with that I want it to be understood that I have deep respect for the darkness. It is very powerful and if you call it; it will come. If you turn off the spigot of spirit, darkness will fill the empty spaces of your soul. That is what it does.

Few of us have such innately pure spirits that we can navigate the world without conscious thought. That ability is knocked out of most people. So we must make constant conscious decisions to be of lightness, to walk in the path of love. Then and only then can we go back to the pure spirit we were born with. To our true nature.  The conscious can open up the unconscious.

Life is a constant building of ego and self.  Yet it is this same ego and self image (self preservation) that we must let lie down to embrace the deepest consciousness within.   So many people claim to want to be Buddha or Christ like. To want to be saints. You can. I can. Anyone can. But few truly want to pay the price and walk that walk. Which is sad because the reward of living that path is well worth any sacrifice there is to be made.

It's truly not a shard as it seems. Grab that spigot. Hold it tight and crank it open. Keep cranking it open. Keep loving. Keep giving. Keep being open. Have no exceptions. None. When you can love and accept unconditionally. When you can be the joy of God. When you can be ever grateful, ever humbled, ever loving. You are there.

I have been on this path so long and I have seen so many things beyond belief.  I connect at least once a day to God, through prayer and meditation. Even so. As I pray to God to keep the passage open. To keep that spigot going. I still waver. I still struggle because it involves a very deep vulnerability. A very real rawness. The interesting thing is. I also know that in that deep level you are so at peace and so free that there is no fear.  The fear stops me from going to a place where there is no fear.  Now that's a heavy conundrum. The battle of the ego is a lofty one.

It isn't a dual to the death though. It's an embracing. An accepting. A letting go of it or giving it a huge chill pill.

Repeat after me

"It's fine"

"It's all fine"

"I am fine, exactly at this moment and time. I am fine".

You're spirit is always fine.  Love is never ending. Always present.  If you do not see it outside you needn't worry. It is always inside.







Body cleanse

Our environment is polluted


Then we eat and drink junk


Fill our bodies with pharmaceutical chemicals


We don't exercise enough


We don't sleep soundly enough


We don't commune with nature enough


We don't leave enough time for self love and self reflection


And this all adds up to a toxic overload


And our bodies start to degenerate


And this assuming we were given decent genes to begin with


I've seen for myself how the body can regenerate and heal itself once you cleanse it


Which is why I believe so strongly in things like;


The Gerson Therapy


Colonics


Liver flushes and intestinal cleanses


Juicing


Chelation


Sound healing


Cranial-sacral Therapy


Hydrogen Peroxide oral therapy


Colloidal Silver use


Rick Simpson Oil (THC)


These all works. And with little to no side effects; except for healing reactions.


Of course there's all this propaganda against it


Obviously!


You really think the pharmaceutical companies and medical establishment wants people healing themselves with natural and much cheaper therapies


Lol. Right!


They aren't covered by insurance because as long as the medical establishment treats self healing as an anomaly and not a fact;


As long as the medical establishment totes the drug lords manifesto;


Doctors will keep Being trained to write scripts


And dole out chemo


And other toxic chemicals like candy on Halloween


Beware Black Box Drugs


Sometimes they don't even tell you they are giving them to you


In this world you have to self advocate.


You can't trust anyone


Not the government


Not the medical establishment


Not the media


Not the educational institutions


Not the religious empires


None of it is geared for your happiness and success in life


It's all geared to keep you in chains


Keep you tethered to a system


That keeps the rich and powerful


Rich and powerful


And you just an expendable cog in the machinery


And the worst part is


Which even the rich and powerful don't seem to quite grasp


Is that even they are caught in the giant web of lies because


It's all just a game


An illusion


A farce


That seems and feels all to real


But is still just an illusion


smoke and mirrors


Because beyond this


There is so much more


And the truth exists


The truth can not be abolished

*******************

Cleanse your body
























Prayer for the day

I surround myself in lightness and love.

In anything I do and everywhere I go;

everyone I meet and everything I encounter....

may it be surrounded by love.

Stop listening to the stories

Not just the stories you're told


But the stories you tell yourself


Especially the ones about yourself


And your life


It's all wrong


It's not pertinent


This now


This is reality


Who you are right now


What you do right this moment


That is it


That's the real deal


Not the stories


Not who you think you are


take a cold hard objective look at who that really is


What are you really doing?


Because as long as you keep believing the story  of who you think you are


Instead of looking at the reality


You will be stuck in a web of lies


And half truths


And there is no true happiness there


Be who you are


With your entire heart


With your entire soul


Live it


Stop with the bullshit drama


Stop with the false accolades


Stop with the unimportant bullshit that props you up or you prop up


Stop with the justifications and excuses


The wah-wah sob stories


Just stop all of it.


You have but one chance to be who you were truly meant to be


The unique being that you are


When you strip it all away


Leave it all bare


Vulnerable


Raw


Real


Who is that?


What is left?


Don't waste this life trying to be someone you aren't


The ideals society, family, religion, power, money, comfort, complacency; or lack thereof


have made you accustomed to


Are all hogwash


Search your heart for your true self


Quiet the mind


And listen to your soul


Ravaged as it may be


It is there


always there


Waiting


Longing


That is what you seek


That is the key to your true fulfillment


It has been there within you all along


Your true self wishes an audience with the ensemble before you in the mirror


It wishes to lead in the dance


And when you let it


When you let your spirit soar


Know that it is the greatest treasure/gift (experience) of them all


Come at any price it may have to come


Once you live it


Truly live it


The freedom


The letting go


The just being


The just letting be


You'll see..... it is far better than anything ever imagined or experienced before





Let's take colors out of the equation

lets take light and dark out of the equation

Let's make it about lightness 

What brings lightness to your soul?

What makes your heart at ease?

These are in fact, sometimes, the harder choice

The more dangerous choice

The most difficult choice to face

The one you don't even want to consider

The one that may take a bit of ruminating to come to

Or it can be the most plain sighted choice of them all

But it is ultimately the one that leaves your conscience clean

It is the lightness that we should be after 

Versus the heaviness

It is this place of the expansion of our spirit that we should seek

With every choice we make 

I hate

i do hate

I'm sorry

It's human nature

It's what can keep whole countries united. Hatred.

Love/compassion works better. But whatever. Anyway.

I hate that we live in a world where everyone lives behind masks

Where illusion and lies are the norm

Where people rarely mean exactly what they say

And say exactly what they mean

It's all a charade

A facade

Some elaborate game we play

And I don't even understand why

For mating?

For sex?

For social rituals?

It doesn't make sense to me

The dark web is where most of the internet lays. Right?

It is underground

It is hidden from bare view

Could I venture to say the same average is for all of humankind?

Probably not the most generous extrapolation as I think that statistic is quite high.

I don't know

Nor purport to know

But I do know

All the lies

The schemes

The vanity, ego, pomp, deceit, thievery, self entitlement, fear masked as hatred......it's go to go.

Not just because  I hate it.

But because it's killing our very souls

It's demolishing the planet

It's wrecking our very lives apart

The truth sets free

Isn't a myth

Isn't a fallacy

Isn't some biblical conundrum

It's the most basic truth that exists

Basic people

Not in the bad way.

Basic as in the first step

Expose your true self

Have compassion and acceptance for that person

And give that same blessing on to everyone and everything

Rinse

Repeat

Until you have no further need to rinse again.

That's heaven on earth.

That's nirvana.

The eternal peace of goodwill to all.

Yet again

speechless and humbled

At the grace of God

And the miracles set forth

Wish that I may always live in this space of amplitude

Of gratitude

Of love

Whether brought by my brothers and sisters in humankind, by nature, by things I do not comprehend or understand

I am ever humbled

And ever grateful

For the beauty of it

The witching hour

that's what some call it

I can see why actually

They may have a point to some degree

But scientifically

It's been proven our current sleep patterns are quite different

than our natural ones

Naturally people historically woke up in the middle of the night

We're awake for an hour or so

Ate

Visited quietly

Did art or read

Talked

Something calm enough to be able to go right back to sleep.

Whenever I do that I feel so good. It has dramatically cut my insomnia. (Which is awesome.)

And I just enjoy it

Right now I really am enjoying me-time....just me time.  That always leaves room to write like I am now.

We're going to be great friends

You may not know it

I may not know it

But we are going to be great friends some day

Try to not take anything I say the wrong way

Because I only mean it with love and humor too sometimes

I know this

I know  His deep in my heart

That I just have to hear your story

And you deeply hear mine too

And there will be no doubt at all

And then we can all laugh and cry at the beauty and misery of it all