Thank You Universe

So much happens in my tiny little universe

How do people even step outside of it?

Sometimes I’m so engulfed

And sometimes as the universe likes to point out

I’m also too stubborn

Sometimes I just don’t get it

And so it steps in and makes things clear

And sometimes that is a long haul trek

That it finally takes me to get there

Lol

I’m so lucky that the lessons have all been affordable

And sometimes, quite often, quite fun

Thanks Universe

For the love

Finite Energy & Time

We all have a limit

When the timer runs out

No one escapes that

Right?

So if I give people my time and energy

It’s because on some level I want to or need to

Hopefully less of the latter and more of the former 

In an ideal world only the former

But who are we kidding?  Lol

So when I choose of my own accord to give myself to someone 

And by myself I mean in any realm:

My time, energy, thoughts, heart, body

When it is my choice to give it

I want it to be appreciated 

And I am learning

Or trying to learn

To not be cruel about it when it isn’t appreciated. 

Because like right now for example 

I have a girlfriend I adore

And she has her own shit going on

I’m pretty sure she’s a not so closeted manic depressant 

But I adore her and want to hang out with her

But what do I do

Stalk her?

So I reach out and reach out

And she snubs me

And I want to be like

“Alright bitch I ain’t fucking with you anymore”

Which would be the exact stance I would take if she were my man

And he pulled this crap

But she’s my friend 

And I have an unending loyalty to all my friends and loves

Because 

Once I love you 

I never

Ever

EVER

stop loving you

And so I know that this would be cruel to say

Because while I would mean it right in the moment

I truly wouldn’t mean it long term

Yes I have distanced myself from people out of self-preservation 

And been forced to miss them for my own good

But even then

That doesn’t mean I don’t still love them

I’m coming to accept that I’m going to surrender to life now 

I’m going to try and not be cruel out of a reaction to pain anymore

And I’m going to accept that I can’t orchestrate life entirely 

And I will accept the love given to me

And appreciate that

Instead of chasing it down

Because 

In my finite universe 

There just isn’t enough space 

For trying that hard anymore 

That just isn’t fun

It’s way too much energy

And frankly...

Who needs that?

Yes my pretty

Whatever your running from

It’s running faster to find you

So no use really

Just stop 

Turn

And deal with it head on

However that needs to look

However that needs to feel

However that presents itself 

Deal with it

Once and for all

Not impressed with myself

maybe it could be seen as humility

Maybe a step below that

But some days I feel great.

I am happy and then

I start to gloat a tiny bit

Or get excessively happy about an accomplishment

Even if minor

And then slam

Out comes this self-depreciation

I’m not that great

Don’t get me wrong

I firmly believe I am no worse and no better than anyone else

If we each stepped into each other’s shoes I think we would see

There really is no extra wiggle room for judgment in there

But I suffer

I cry

I make mistakes

I behave inappropriately

I sulk

I whine

I bray

I’m human

I have the full range of emotions and thoughts

It is part of the human flux

I just go with it now

Let myself be who I am

And some days

Maybe most

It is not perfect

But it doesn’t mean life still can’t be pretty darn great

Right?

Yep

I firmly believe that

Now give me a hot minute to get over this heartbreak

And I’m sure I’ll be feeling it again

Right quick

———

OMG. I’m not being facetious.  Who doesn’t love country folk?   I would go on that country matchmaking website if I didn’t think it was way too ballsy. I might just get that desperate though. Lol. I guess we’ll see.

Holding no judgment

I come from the stance that

“Thank God i don’t have that job”

I don’t want to judge people

That would be exhausting

And what if I’m wrong?

I don’t want that on my conscience

Even when people ask me to judge them

I sometimes hesitate

And yet I can sense that people feel judged by me

Because I do like to take people in

I like to see who they are

What they say

How they say it

Their stance

Their energy

Their movements

Like the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland

I like to see “who are you?”

And to me the true testament to my not judging them

Is that it isn’t until later

Upon further pondering

That I can gauge how I felt about them on a personal level

And put my own thoughts into the equation

But...

Typically I never have to revisit and ask myself that

So I can generally just take someone in and be like

Wow

Ok

That’s you

Cool

And come from a place of acceptance to whoever that is

And not attach any value to it

Good or bad

The only time I force myself to attach value to people

Is when I must decide if I want to continue to see them

And interact with them

And then in that case I do lend myself to the task of judging

Not so much the person per se

More so I judge whether I want to expend any more time and energy on this person

That is my one judgement I guess

But that seems benign

When we talk about the normal judgment people tend to think of

When one says

Judgment.

Or at least that’s what I tell myself. Lol

I may go to hell

This may seem like an odd thing to say

I may go to hell

I have ruminated with this possibility for many many years now

And

While not a pleasant thought

It also isn’t one I shirk from

disregard

Or pretend doesn’t exist

——-

I was given a great gift

But with that gift comes the realization of different planes of existence

Which one can possibly land in

One of which is indeed

What would be a rendition of hell

And I can not beyond a shadow of doubt say I will not go back

Because frankly

I don’t know how it works

I could consult a few bibles

But so far nothing has resonated with what I feel is complete truth

Surrounding that subject

Is God wrathful?

No!

Is the devil mercilesssly cruel?

Absolutely!

Can a good heart and good ideals

Can good thoughts and deeds

Wipe out wrongs?

I have no idea

What I have done

I wish more than anything I could undue

I pray for forgiveness

I try relentlessly to forgive myself for

And yet I am left with the aftertaste of disgust at myself

I did not fully comprehend

But had I known

Would that have stopped me?

I can’t really claim that much naïveté

I was an adult (legally) although perhaps not completely formulated yet

Still

I don’t give myself excuses

And for that I simply can’t say

Is what I did enough to punish me in the afterlife?

I hope not

Although many would say yes to that

...But that is all I can do

Is hope

And pray.

If I knew

Knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would go to hell

Regardless of any good actions I’ve done since or prior

Would I change who I am?

Would I stop trying to lead with my heart

Trying to bleed authenticity

Trying to live open

Vulnerable

With quiet strength and solace

With a deep compassion for all the frailties 

And fallibilities 

We all suffer in life...

Or would I roar and go balls to the wall crazy

Just doing whatever I pleased

Whenever I pleased to?

Honestly. No. Probably not.

I know too much.

I’ve seen too much

I know what heaven on earth looks like

And it is truly a worthwhile endeavor

Love

Mercy

Kindness

Compassion

Hope

Humility

Divine Intervention

Glorious Blessings

Gratitude

Worth it all!

Worth the sacrifice

Which aren’t sacrifices

Really

Just different nuances of living

Different modalities of survival

What you think you lose

Is gained in so many other ways

I know it

I see it

I’ve lived it so many times

That to even think of the hereafter seems a waste of time really

What does it matter?

What matters really is the now

What do I do with this moment

This life

This breath

These hands

This heart

Whatever I do next

Whatever may come

I hope I can greet it with the same open heart

But I can’t dwell on that now

Too much life 

To much love left to cram into

This one short lifetime

Sleep my child

here is where we have it all wrong

Life is not about bartering or taking all you can get

It’s about both giving

And receiving with abandon

With a joyful heart

With purity of intention

————

It’s got to start somewhere

Sometime

That would be true heaven on earth

And if you don’t believe me try it someday

Live a few moments a day with complete peace

Live a few moments a day with absolutely no pressures or fears

A moment of real quiet bliss

————

Or have some awesome sex

That works too

————

Feel the exquisite nature of allowing yourself to be raptured in the moment

No matter what it is

With no judgment from yourself

And not allowing others judgement to affect you

Consent to live your life in true happiness

Refer back to lines 2-6 for an explanation

Faking it

Sometimes I still feel like I’m faking it

And then I realize

I’m really not

It’s just that some days it takes more effort than others

But I’m still me

And I have the way I do things

The way I think

My general responses....which

Are within a spectrum I find enjoyable

Genuine

And acceptable upon inspection; generally speaking

Enough so that it makes me feel I don’t need to worry

But then again; I don’t want to become complacent either

And just believe I am a good person

Without actually being one

Simply because I want it to be so

I know I still have work to do

I still could improve

So I have compassion for myself as I struggle sometimes

And also I have a desire to have more depth

To be the best and most sincere version of me I can be

With my heart above my head

With kindness above obliviousness

With giving above receiving

And love above judgment

It’s a work in progress

I am a work in progress

And I’m thankful

To have something to focus on right now

besides the sadness

That has been engulfing me a bit lately

Sick of the psycho-babble

everyone seems to know all the labels

The current buzzwords

Manic depressive

Bi-polar

Toxic

Manic

OCD

Anxiety disorder

All these labels and excuses for what?

For writing people off?

To feel sorry for them?

To sub-categorize them as humans?

People are more complex than a bunch of formulaic bullshit labels paint them to be

I get so sick of hearing people referred to that way

If you are not a real and imminent threat to yourself or others

Then go forth and be merry

Who gives a flying fuck what people think or label you as

You are worthy

And to all the self righteous assholes

Who think they have it figured out

Lol

You make me laugh

You got a full life ahead of you

Let’s see what fate you suffer

Let’s see if anyone would label you toxic

Or some other idiotic psychoanalytic misnomer

I’m sure someone somewhere will

And they may not be far off the mark

But you’d have to have compassion to see that that’s ok too

Not just for yourself

But for others

We are not dumb labels

We are not our pasts or our future

We are the now

I’ve had people that had full intentions of harming me

Practically save my life

This life

This grand mechanism of cosmic soup

It’s too fucking mesmerizing for your stupid ass labels.

I wish people would just stop.

Just fucking let things be

And enjoy the fuck out of what you are presented with

And strive for more if that’s your methodology

Of getting through this game

But me.....

I just want to be

Distractions

Life is full of distractions

I tend to like them personally

But....

They can become a nuisance

And it can be a habitual problem at times

When you can’t stay present in the moment

Thinking of the past

Planning for the future

While theoretically helpful

Can also be a way of not living in the present

Or not dealing with the issues at hand

Of not looking in the mirror

And dealing with the crap we’ve shoved to the side

Which is why moments of self reflection

Are vital

Yet society is pushed to achieve constant levels of distraction

From noise pollution

And visual overload

To general stress and

Feelings of missing out

Yet it is these quiet moments

That we can really sort ourselves out

And go back to our true beingness

Out true selves

And find out deep inner bliss

Or the barriers present

that make us feel that we are not privy to that

It is here that we can find our divinity

Or wrestle and make peace with our monsters

It is a constant struggle

To not be seduced by all the endless and trivial minutia

We like to tell ourselves matters