I may go to hell

This may seem like an odd thing to say

I may go to hell

I have ruminated with this possibility for many many years now

And

While not a pleasant thought

It also isn’t one I shirk from

disregard

Or pretend doesn’t exist

——-

I was given a great gift

But with that gift comes the realization of different planes of existence

Which one can possibly land in

One of which is indeed

What would be a rendition of hell

And I can not beyond a shadow of doubt say I will not go back

Because frankly

I don’t know how it works

I could consult a few bibles

But so far nothing has resonated with what I feel is complete truth

Surrounding that subject

Is God wrathful?

No!

Is the devil mercilesssly cruel?

Absolutely!

Can a good heart and good ideals

Can good thoughts and deeds

Wipe out wrongs?

I have no idea

What I have done

I wish more than anything I could undue

I pray for forgiveness

I try relentlessly to forgive myself for

And yet I am left with the aftertaste of disgust at myself

I did not fully comprehend

But had I known

Would that have stopped me?

I can’t really claim that much naïveté

I was an adult (legally) although perhaps not completely formulated yet

Still

I don’t give myself excuses

And for that I simply can’t say

Is what I did enough to punish me in the afterlife?

I hope not

Although many would say yes to that

...But that is all I can do

Is hope

And pray.

If I knew

Knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would go to hell

Regardless of any good actions I’ve done since or prior

Would I change who I am?

Would I stop trying to lead with my heart

Trying to bleed authenticity

Trying to live open

Vulnerable

With quiet strength and solace

With a deep compassion for all the frailties 

And fallibilities 

We all suffer in life...

Or would I roar and go balls to the wall crazy

Just doing whatever I pleased

Whenever I pleased to?

Honestly. No. Probably not.

I know too much.

I’ve seen too much

I know what heaven on earth looks like

And it is truly a worthwhile endeavor

Love

Mercy

Kindness

Compassion

Hope

Humility

Divine Intervention

Glorious Blessings

Gratitude

Worth it all!

Worth the sacrifice

Which aren’t sacrifices

Really

Just different nuances of living

Different modalities of survival

What you think you lose

Is gained in so many other ways

I know it

I see it

I’ve lived it so many times

That to even think of the hereafter seems a waste of time really

What does it matter?

What matters really is the now

What do I do with this moment

This life

This breath

These hands

This heart

Whatever I do next

Whatever may come

I hope I can greet it with the same open heart

But I can’t dwell on that now

Too much life 

To much love left to cram into

This one short lifetime