Feel myself

Today I took the excuse of a shower to not just bath myself

But truly enjoy myself

Not in a sexual way at all

Just in a sensual way

I caressed the bar of soap all over my body slowly enjoying the contours

The divets

Then I ran my hands over that soap

And enjoyed the slippery softness

The follicles that greeted me

And I luxuriated in the moment

In the glory and wonder

The marvel that is the human body

Grateful for mine

In all its fault filled glory

This is how God made me

Perfectly imperfect

Making me

The perfect specimen of myself

There currently can be found.

For you

To all those

Who have treated me kindly

Made a kind gesture

No matter how small

Given me light and hope

In a world that can seem so dark sometimes

To all of you

Strangers, dangers, friends and the likes

I offer you

A moment of peace and love

In your honor

For its in moments such as these

That a life gets defined 

--------

To all those that have misunderstood me

Judged me harshly

Blasphemed against me

Sought to harm me

Take me

Mame me

Subdue subjugate 

I offer you also

A moment of peace 

In honor of your heart

That it may grow so much

It explodes in your chest like firecrackers

Constantly going off*

And for me I offer the same

Because sometimes I am the former to one person

And the latter to another

And sometimes through absolutely no fault of my own

And sometimes simply out of sheer lack of mindfulness

*figuratively (like love fireworks going off for everyone and everything)

No Hard Ears

Is it just me?

Or do your ears literally feel

Like they harden a little when we don't want to hear something

Making it almost impossible to hear it

Because as the ears close

An inner monologue of fear (hate, distrust, anger; whathave you)

Sets in too 

And you're stuck

In your own version of the story

And not the complete story

In all it's messy-emotional entirety

NASA

Ok. So. I can admit to being fairly uninformed about this issue

And no one has asked for my opinion (oddly enough)

But I think NASA needs to be defunded

And that money needs to go to healthcare

We could theoretically

Provide free healthcare to every single citizen in the USA

With that money

And what do we need space exploration for exactly?

Unless the government is not only willing to admit to global warming

But to the extinction of earth

And the need for a new planet to be found

Then why keep funding it?

That has absolutely NO significance in my life



The money could be better served in protecting the environment

Saving the earth

Implementing sustainable energy into every aspect of American life

From cars to electricity

Even I can see the idiocy of funding into the BILLIONS of dollars

Something for all intents and purposes is practically useless

Keep the telescopes manned

Keep space exploration from the ground open

Coordinate with other countries if desired

For outer space sharing of data

Keep the scientist employed

But put that money into sectors that ACTUALLY improve

Most people's DAILY lives

I know. Crazy idea. Isn't it?

I'm not usually a wrathful person

everyone has their sticking points in life

But in general I try to stay loose

Not let things get to me too much

Yesterday though

My computer was hacked

And I felt all sorts of violated and intruded upon

Hacking

Unless serving some general goodwill

(think Robin Hood)

Is a horrible and vial thing to do

Just as intrusive as a home invasion

Or an assault

In that it takes from you

In areas you may not even be aware it is taking from you

Private information that can bite you in the ass

Big time

And the repercussions

Can reverberate for months

Years even

Financially

Stress Wise

Security

Not to sound paranoid

But the line to take things from you

Can seem infinitive

When it's not just who you know coming

Like the IRS (for example)

But all sorts of heathens and mongrels

Seem to be salivating at the mouth

Trying to sink their teeth into you

These cyber criminals should be sought after more fervently

Than the money and time given to victimless crimes

But it's like a cry in the dark

As the status quo keeps moving on

Keeps on keeping on

What if

what if doing the right thing even if for the wrong reason

Was just as good as doing the wrong thing for the right reason

What if they are both good?

Ultimately.

Does it matter?

I think we're too hard on ourselves

&

I think sometimes we need an excuse

To make ourselves do the right thing.

A selfish excuse sometimes justifies

An unselfish act

And that's good enough

For me

And probably for God to

I'm not sure really though

We haven't had our monthly meeting yet. Lol (wink emoticon)

Don't get me wrong

It is by no means full credit

Five stars

A happy heart giving it's all is the gold standard

We're talking passing

Just passing. Maybe. Sometimes. Let's be honest here.

If you think about it though

Passing is still technically

Good enough

So hey

Why make labels.

Let's all pass!!!!

(emoticon is winky face with tongue sticking out)

What I hate about Christianity

Because it believes that salvation is only found through Jesus Christ and that simply is not true.

Salvation can be found everywhere

At any time

Through anything

Namely God of course

Namely God

At least for me it is

Except I don't discredit that it could be through different things

To different people

And I wish Christians

Or even people of all religions believed so too

This is true. The following is true to me. But not through Jesus Christ alone. Why is that so hard to understand ?

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.*

—Philippians 4:6-7

*live in the heart of God. Live in the light of the lord.  And of course God is not a he. That's the worst form of misogyn around. I'm not saying God is a female either. God is not a person. So how can you give God earthly features. That really makes no sense to me.  God has no gender.

To my dearest Tia

To be the middle child of a family has to be hard

You have to be older sister one moment

And younger the next

(I imagine the more siblings the more layers of that)

And you do it so well

And I hope you know

I love you just as much as the others/(tigresses)

Political

sometimes the things I say

Seem to me to her very political

But they shouldn't be

They should be handled between all of us

Together

As a race

The majority has usually been right

Not in some major- oh so major, things though

Like why did gay marriage take so long to be radified/added/whatever

Like vaccines

Like this transgender thing

Like what-what?

What are people thinking?

They aren't thinking with their hearts

All bad things happen when you don't think with your heart. ❤️ Smiley emoticon

The truth appalls

the truth can sometimes

When we are just learning it

(Al-be-it sometimes

Not even for he first time)

The beauty of it can be so overwhelming

--------
Having those line connect

That one perhaps always wondered about

That was always a bit suspicious maybe

Because you maybe knew you didn't know it all

Whether Good or Bad

Can be absolutely shocking

-------//-////

Just terrifying so

At times we all succumb to weak dispositions

Don't we?

At one time or another

It's the human condition

Or so it seems to seem

Unfortunately

Commercialism should be a sin

Can you have capitalism without commercialism?

I honestly don't know.

I do know that it's gotten way out of fucking hand

With companies shelling out millions of dollars to perfect algorithms

To minitor your every move

Your every desire

So they can then (at best) sell you tons of shit you don't need

I'm so sick of being constantly bombarded by advertisements

Everywhere you go

Every site you go on

Everywhere you look

There doesn't seem to be an end to it

And it gets worse and worse every year

To where credit card companies and junk food manufacurers

advertise directly through elementary schools

How is that fair to an impressionable and gullible child

When grown adults can't escape the barrage

They find the need to start peddling their goods

Earlier and earlier

To built "brand loyalty"

It sickens me &

I can count on one hand

The times my life has been improved

(And by no means significantly)

By purchasing something I saw advertised

Where will it end?

When will it stop?

Probably only when and if Advertisers feel their money is being wasted

And then they will simply

Like the cockroaches thy are

Find a new way to infiltrate your life

Subversive

Coercive

They don't care

When it's all about profit.

No on cares how this barrage could possibly affect your psyche

Or your soul

Which by default

Makes commercialism practically sinful

In my humble opinion

She's not here for your sexual pleasure

I get so irritated when men look at my 13 year old daughter

As if she were a cold drink on a hot day

She's still a child

Sure her long legs, pretty (unencumbered) smile and firm developing body

Could seem appetizing to hormonal males

I get that

But can you have the decency to at least fake it a few years more

Give her time to come into herself

I'd like to think she's closer to playing with dolls

Than sucking on dicks like a Hoover vacuum

She still has the wispy naïveté of a fledgling

The goofy/sweet awkwardness of a being in transformation

From caterpillar to butterfly

Give her the space to grow

Without imposing your lustfull desires into her psyche

Without imposing your coveting desires onto her

It's not much I'm asking for

Just a little bit more time for her to figure out

For herself

What her sexuality feels and looks like

She's already becoming aware of stepping into a world of harsh judgement based on looks alone

Give her the space and time she needs please

To come into herself more

Before you ravish her with your expectations

And fantasies of fulfilling your desires

She is still too young to understand what any of that means

She is going through enough already

Just dealing with her own changing body

Growing mind, ever increasing awareness,

Social structures, teenage dynamics, etc.

Cut her some slack

Before you label her a little Lolita

Because it was just like yesterday

When I held her in my arms for the first time

And promised to protect her for life

And you people are scaring the hell out of me

I don't know how to combat something as subtle

And yet so invading and intrusive

As a lustfull glance from an adult bystander.

Makes me want to wrap her up in a burka

To say the least.

--------

I'm not saying all 13 years olds are like this. Every child is different. In general I'd like to think girls could have until 15/16 at least to come into themselves a bit more before being assuaged at every turn. Maybe some girls don't need that time. I know I didn't, but that has more to do with being sexually abused at a very young age than anything else. God knows we don't need more of that situation.

And for you very few (thankfully) men that look at my 8 year old this way; I have some choice words for you.  Please go get a fucking life!

Finite resources

I was watching the toddler

Looking at family pictures 

As she is want to do

And she sits and points out toys we no longer own

And I start to think that if we had all 14 years of toys amassed

We would need several rooms dedicated to the task

And we are by no means a family of affluence

So how can it be

That we are so engulfed into this consumerism 

When I think I take an active stance against it. 

I know the earths resources are finite. 

Yet I wish we hadn't spiraled so out of control

I wish they made toys that lasted 

And electronics that weren't meant to be replaced every few years

I think people know this intuitively

Yet. Stress. Convenience. Selfishness. Disregard

Has led people to behave as if this should be normal 

As if individually packaged goods with tons of inserts and plastic 

Is a good thing. 

I don't understand completely and yet I feel compassion

For a society that has led itself down this path willingly

As consumers

And producers have complied 

And those that fight the tide and have been fighting it

Are sometimes seen as outcasts

For not towing the line

Following the status quo

It's sad really. 

To think that each of us individually

Could be doing so much in just our simple daily lives

In simple unobtrusive ways

To make the world a better place

And yet. We succumb to the grand illusion that nothing we do matters

That what we waste is ours for the wasting 

And as I try in my small way to recycle

To pass on usable goods

To buy used whenever possible

To use reusable containers as much as convenient and possible

To make my own difference

Without living completely without

I wonder

Why?

Why have we grown to believe that which simply is not true

To whose benefit is it for us to believe this?

I don't have the answer for that. 

I just know. We have to take these blinders off

We have to see how each thing we do and speak 

Even what we think

Makes a drastic difference in the world 

Not just our world

The entire world

Things must change

Resources must be conserved

Earth must be appreciated and preserved

As best we possibly can 

And we have to do this

Before we destroy it

Completely. 

Email exchange with friend

So this is verbatim an email exchange I just had yesterday with a friend. I share it not to toot my horn in any fashion, but to show the frailty of life. How easily we can go from thinking we have it all to utter demise. The fall isn't that far for most of us, even if it is a great one.

Friend:

its the same story as always has been and will always remain the same.  the things that used to make happy no longer have the same impact so you emptily chase them trying to hold on to some form of joy that used exist inside of you...but its not the same anymore as you look around and see how utterly transparent the corruption and manipulation is how pathetic this little bubble weve been allowed to live in.  i feel like my life is basically hanging by this precarious little thread. no assets, no retirement, granny aint handing me her extra house in her will. no security.  all we are is slaves for the ultra rich.  all the big "Murrican" talk of bootsraps and hard work and all that shit is nothing but a sales pitch. our options are limited, not endless. sure you can study and work and hustle for half or most of your life and maybe end up rich or with a good job. maybe. but that aint no fucking  dream of mine and sure as hell isnt no blessing that life is supposed to be.  pretty sorry blessing if you ask me. so you go to bars and smoke pot and eat xanax and go to the gym to try and feel good. but it doesnt work.  so you become emptier and meaner until you forget how you ever laughed...and then you go get banned from bars ...and after you've been sucked dry by the machine, you realize just how easy it is to end up living under the freeway.  or you can pretend this isnt all a giant pile of shit and life is great. puke.

Me:

Life is shitty.  It definitely can be. And anyone can catch some unlucky breaks. For sure.

But I do believe happiness and peace is attainable if you look within yourself to find it. Not depend on any outside factors for it. You can't go chasing happiness. Sooner or later it simply won't be able to be caught. Like you're seeing for yourself. You have to foster happiness deep within yourself. If for no other reason then to live whatever time we are given to live here on earth as centered and at peace with ourselves and through these two things inevitably as happy as we can. As content as possible. It's not exactly fireworks and cocaine. But everything outside of yourself means nothing if you can't find happiness and peace within yourself first.

So. Nurture that. Whatever you have to do to be happy being "You". To live in complete acceptance of yourself. Faults and strengths. That's what you have to look at.

And that's the toughest battle of them all. But it's the only path you have left really.

I could be utterly naive.  It's possible, maybe even probable. My life is a constant lesson in humility. I'm not sure anymore about much. So I stick with what I know now to be true.  It helps me and I hope it helps others. I do feel if one allows themselves to be at peace and happy; then one exemplifies a belief system stronger than any allegory can provide and it gives people the courage and permission to aim for that as well.

Stop killing each other. Everyone. Please!

This whole police brutality

Black lives matter 

Protesting

Killing police officers

Shooting at unarmed people

Mass hysteria

Police militarization 

Is such a joy kill

It all seems like a lose/lose

It's all so wrong

It just seems to be serving to divide us

More and more

To splinter our country

Maybe this is a big ugly boil (of collective racism)

That just needs to pop

To heal

But I can't imagine the toll it's going to take

To get to a place where we can start healing

Things seem to be spiraling out of control to some degree

So now

They've slapped charges on Officer Betty Shelby

Does that bring back the dead man

Does that justify the terror she feels on the job

The terror a lot of officers

And civilians now feel

None of these ways seem the right way to me

I don't have the answers 

Someone much smarter than me may

Or a group of dedicated social scientist 

And philosophers

And social justice activists

In the trenches

The people living this daily

Must have some solutions

I would think/hope

But the people making the shots

Controlling the media

They don't seem to be making the correct calls to me

They aren't helping be the solution to the problem

Some Police Chiefs are standing up

Are holding their officers accountable

If we could do that more

If the unions didn't have such a tight grip

If the mentality of the police wasn't one of force and subjugation.

If we could reach into every persons heart

Police and Civilians alike

And remind ourselves that we are all just humans

Fallible, sometimes erring, sometimes fearing, sometimes (unfortunately) hating

And that we are more alike than we will ever be different.

Then. Maybe. Just Maybe.

We can turn this around.

You gotta clean house from the inside out

Inside each one of us

Inside each business

Each government

Each township

Each entity

This disease can't be fully tackled from the outside

Unless it's taken completely apart probably maybe

And even then it will just be rebuilt

Probably to another set of subpar standards.

Like when we broke the Saddam Hussein regime apart

Supposedly

Only to have ISIS follow

Yea. That was smart. :/

This cancer that has been growing or festering

Needs to be expunged

And the only way to do that

From ALL sides

Is with love

Comic strip

if I were an artist

And maybe I should be the next Mama Moses. Lol

I would draw an evil devil like character

Hunching slightly over a nun or monk

As they sit side by side on a chaise or daybed

And the devil would be saying

"Well...just listen to this...."

As the nun/monk shake their head down solemnly in compassion.

And it would be captioned

"Everyone needs a friend"

Love ambivalent

Don't listen to love songs when your feeling love ambivalent.

Especially not soft rock

OMG because

You may not stop being able to attribute every song to your life

Past, present or future

It's like riding a roller coaster emotionally

When you open your heart

All the possibilities seem if not done already

Possible at least

So what do you want?

Dream that.

What do I want?

Let me go to sleep and dream on it.

America - land of the dumbasses

If I had it my way

Schools would all be run similar to a combination of the Takaharu Tezuka school and a continuation school.

I had the (what I anticipated being a displeasure which actually was more like deep) pleasure of attending a continuation school*

I not only enjoyed it; I thrived. It was just the right environment for my learning style.

I could work at my own pace and if I was stuck I had a teacher/aid to ask for advice

Get diagrams

Troubleshoot

Work precisely on the exact area I was stuck in

Until I truly understood it

And then move back on at my own pace

I completed workbooks in mere days and not semesters. It was easy and very rewarding. 

I was also given the space to thrive outside academics

Since few of the other students were self motivated or pushed to excel

There was space to grow without having to fight for it

I was easily editor of the school paper

I was asked to participate in essay contests I never even knew existed

I was approached by teachers who cared that I truly cared about knowledge and wanted to engage me and grow my mind

That was a rarity at the high school I went to

With its heavy population and short class duration what is a teacher to do really? They had homework and tests to grade.  They had the stresses of administrators down their throats. 

Of which my teachers had none. The tests they did grade they had ample time to do so during school.  There were few expectations put on them as continuation school was seen as more of a babysitting institution than true academia. 

But

If I could create a school

That truly engaged children 

And let them learn in their own style

Of which there are at least 3 major differences in learning aptitudes (probably more)

Then children would thrive. 

Creativity would sore

Learning would and could be a byproduct

Not the main goal

Not tests to teach towards

Not agendas to fill

Not reading to stuff down students throats

Not endless problems to correct and show work for

That would all be pointless 

Because once a child truly understands a concept they can move on. Period

Not wait for an ever growing class size to catch up and all be at the same point

Children need to be taught to genuinely love reading. Making them read when they hate reading generally only reinforces hating it. 

Making children do over 100 problems they already completely understand backwards and forwards just makes them overly impatient and grow to dislike math. Even if they originally truly enjoyed it. 

How this doesn't make sense even to the most dense of the politicians making decisions for a field they obviously know way too little about is beyond me?

I don't know everything.  I'm not saying that.  There are obviously true geniuses in the field of education. Like that maverick at Portland State University. I'll have to get her name for clarification. 

My point is that things could be so much better. We could be raising our own world class geniuses here. They are around. I've seen them. They simply aren't fostered. So really. I truly believe we are dropping the ball. All I have to say is that the people running the "education" show now have their head way up their ass'. For sure!

*long story I may one day tell

Pied Piper

I believe that each of us is a Pied Piper

Not in the sense that we carry around a magic flute

And abscond with children when we aren't paid for our services

In the sense that each and every one of us has a very special talent

We have a natural

Some might say even magical

Ability towards something

Unfortunately though

I think most people are too lazy, tired, grumpy, bitter, cynical, untrusting

To go out and figure out what that is

Maybe that heavy metal guy would be a primo ballerina

Maybe that girl would be an earth shattering architect

Maybe that Grandma can cure world hunger

Maybe that disabled child can be a riveting author or comedian

Or who knows really

The possibilities are endless beyond belief

Maybe what you are good at

You have to invent yourself

I don't know

I can't say for you

I can only say for myself

And even then I still haven't figured it out completely

I know one of my great passions is writing

That bring me a measure of happiness virtually unequaled

By any material gains

But I still think there's more out there

More I could do

More joys to find in the world

Which is why I am apt to try most anything

Within reason and/or within my boundaries of fear/safety

Sometimes though 

I still push myself

Out of those boundaries

Because I always find myself surprised

At my own self

At what I can accomplish

When I just try

So.....

My wish for everyone

Is to never give up on yourself

To always keep striving

Not in a material way

(God knows that isn't real happiness)

But rather keep pushing the boundaries of your soul

The boundaries of your heart

Boundaries of your boundaries

Until nothing is impossible or

Until you can figure out

How to be your own Pied Piper

At the very least

Finally learned

I've finally learned some hard lessons in life

For myself

The hard way mostly, unfortunately.

I've learned that forcing people to do things causes deep resentments

And if people can't or don't want to change for their own well being

Or those of the ones they love

Then so be it

Move on if you must

And I've learned

That anything that starts out bad

And begins with lies

Or causing pain to others

Intentionally or not

Can not end well either

Not until rectified at least

These are just my truths

Everyone is entitled to their own experiences

For sure.

Rough week

Makes me feel nostalgic for a time of less stress

Did I have a time?

Really?

No

Not really I guess

There were times of boredom maybe

But never really less stress

Life is stressful

Or it really can be

So I'm learning

Or trying to  master inner peace within myself

To counteract that strong pull

That seems to come from outside forces

Making me waver and get agitated

But I think

If i looks closely

I can see

And sense

That really

It's just me letting myself be carried away by my emotions

And that I don't need to respond to outside forces

In any one particular way

Or at all even

And this

 in and of itself

Provides a great amount of peace

If I let it

But of course

That's one of those

So much easier said than done things

Hard to explain

love is self serving

That seems counterintuitive

Like how is giving love

Self serving

When in its essence

At its core

It is deeply giving

There are truly so many reasons that it's hard to know where to begin

Loving in and of itself is a virtue

To love with no sense of keeping tabs

Or expecting reciprocation

To give with an open heart

To everything and everyone

To live with Gods glory

The glory of love

In every action you do

Gives you such a deep peace

And it also

Has a way of getting you closer to what you truly want in life

Closer than you can ever imagine

It really does make dreams come true.

But not in a selfish way

Because sometimes what life gives us

isnt at all what we thought we wanted or needed

But if we can have faith

That its this way for a reason

We can get past the suffering inherent in life

And get to the enjoying part more



When you look at life with

"Love blinders" on

You'll see

Happiness/peace

Can be possible always

At all times

In all ways

Gods love

Is always there

Even when we can't see it

Even when we find it hard to connect to it

It is there

Reaching out to us

Trying to help us navigate our way

back to our hearts

Always

I've been accused

I've been accused

If loving love

And boy ain't that the truth.

;)

The Silva Method

So I think I realized

That the whole point of the training

Is really to get you to live in Theta

As much as possible

If you can tap into that

In your daily life

You'll be closer to heaven

----------------

Don't ask me how the waves of your brain

Have anything to do with heaven

But instinctually I know that they do

Because Deep Theta just feels so much like heaven does

This deep tranquility aspect of it

This symbiosis

It just does

Well you see

The love I have for God

Is my shield in life

That is why I cling so tightly

It is my net

In the tightrope of life

It catches me

Every time I fail

Every time life knocks me down

And it lifts me back up

Where I belong

Wherever that may find me

Right there

No matter here it is

I should be able to find happiness

To find peace

Within myself

With God


That can be done with God

My wish

is to be filled with utter humility

To be filled with complete patience

And love with unabandon

And because these all come from

What seem like places of weakness

I would also like to be filled

With 100 raging tigers in my heart/soul

And coursing through my blood

---------

Maybe that's what Sheen meant all along

In his own drug enduced false reality

You just never know

If that one speck of dust of love

You put out into the world

Will bring happiness to none

Or to one million and one

It's not your job to know

It's only your job

To sparkle your dust

Probably sex too (between consenting adults)

I think if selfishness

As a nervous energy gone bad

That energy needs to come out 

It's either the mind/body not being true to itself

and/or this energy that really

needs to be released

Like for example;

Through exercise, meditation and/or art

It doesn't turn to "bad"

Negative energies

Of stress

Fear

Hate

Anger/rage

Bitterness

If these energies are released prior to getting to this stage

I find it all quite simple really

I'm simply not sure where all the confusion comes from

-------------

One should be ever mindful of where one gets one information. Who pays for it?  Who sponsors it?  Who is possibly writing the lines?  For who's benefit?  What's the motive?  Do they even know what the heck they are taking about?  

I don't profess to know all the answers. I don't profess to be the ultimate knowledge of anything or for anyone. I ONLY know my own truth in life. Thank God for my free will to think it. Thank God for that.