Single soon! Not "on the market". Thank God! *******

I can taste it

Freedom

I know with 3 children and no career currently 

Except for Ebay (thank God) 

I have no "right"

Morally for some

Financially

By societies standards 

To be happy

But happy is who I am

In the midst of being unhappy

I can make happiness an option ****

Lately it involves (very minute)

Amounts of pot

For obvious reasons

(If you've been divorced you know exactly what I am talking about)

Anyway

And other things 

Too much drama

Maybe I have bad instincts 

Because I want to trust everyone******

I can understand why they said

Buddha stood still when he watched the elephant charge at him 

Full force in a fit of powerful rage

Why did he stand still and simply look at the elephant

Because he could see into his soul

And he was not afraid of what he saw there

He knew it wouldn't harm him

I've always been naive

I let people in

Sometimes I disappoint

Sometimes I get disappointed 

Even Jesus wasn't all things to all people***

Or Pontius Pilot wouldn't have let him go to the cross

He in power

Wouldn't have killed him

He washed his hands

And said he couldn't stop it if he wanted to

That the people were going to have their blood

Which means

All you Christians

That "the people" killed Jesus

It was ultimately the people

Sorry. 

I'm just learning this so it's funny to me. Not in a ha ha way, but in a sad "such is life" way. Such can be life. Jesus did rise from the dead though. There is that. Seems just as believable as Hitler surviving to 85 or any other Enquirer headline. But that seems to be what the books say. Seems to be what Easter centers around (if I can remember correctly). 

Not sure what I'm suppose to get from that? If one were to follow in Jesus' steps would one end up dead and then resurrected. Then ascended to heaven. Why must one be reborn to have that?  Seems odd to me. People go to heaven all the time. They aren't brought back to life. Lol

Anyway

It seems it's still happening...not to the degree of Christ. But....the governments are so busy trying to kill the good people: the activist, naturopathic Doctors, whistleblowers, journalists. If not kill them in real life: or kill them professionally, ruin their lives, etc. 

I really don't get what the governments/powerful public or private figures/CEO's/monarch's/Vandersnubbs*/military/religion etc....what world are they living in?  That they think their actions have no consequences beyond just whatever they want?  It makes me laugh a little. Because that's so absurd to me. I've seen Karma at work full force, so many times. To strangers and family alike.  I finally realized though; that some people don't have "instant Karma" like I do. They have hare Karma. It will get here. It's coming. It's just so far back you can't see it. But keep going at this pace and "it's gonna be a doozy Karma". 

Lol. At least that's what I've seen. 

So. Like I tell my girls. Thank God it's not my job to judge everyone. That is a job I simply do not want. Sounds frickin exhaustive. Just thinking about any part of that is stressful. Lol

It's only my job to lead by the example of following my heart. Good or bad. Whatever that may mean. It may just come with consequences. Everything in life does. But when you follow your heart; truly just do exactly what your heart commands and in the force it commands it (which is just as important) then fucking glorious things can happen!!!

That's why it's hard to be with someone (men; not that I've been involved with women, but from what I've seen it looks basically the same...which is why I don't understand homophobia) because they love to impose their ideas of who you should be or should behave and don't seem to let you have the full range of being yourself at every movement. 

I've only had one person make me feel like they truly understood, respected and appreciated me for who I was and that was my gay ex-boss Eric Gunther.  Maybe that's why I like Oscar Wilde***** so much and he was gay. Gay doesn't bother me. Infidelity bothers me. When you get married you get married for good. If you want to stray you need to make that an option for me too. And if I want to I can stay and if I don't want to I can go. But you can't leave me out in a lurch, as I would not do to you. That's what love is. Love is never turning you back on someone. No matter how angry or hurt you are by their actions. No matter the instance. Isn't that what Jesus preached. Not just to turn the other cheek, but to offer it up. Such is Buddhism. Such are a a lot of religions. At the base is teaching you how to love. That's what it should be and if it isn't teaching you that then it isn't religion. Period!   It's lies. 

Religion does NOT equal hate/anger/revenge

Religion does NOT condone killing/raping/pillaging

That's the code of pirates. And even they had a code of honor. Even the mafia had a code of honor

Where among people is our code?  It should be religion. That is what religion should be. A code of honor to Love. 

Sometimes life holds secrets you will never know. The mystery of my marriage is one of them. One day it will all come to light. Whether that be while I live and breath or on my deathbed. It all comes to light.  Maybe I  really need to search deep within myself. 

This has been a month of a lot of soul searching. A lot. My heart tells me now simply to leave. It hasn't revealed anything else yet. Which is why I resorted to primitive tools for the most vital truths I needed. 

I don't know what life has in store for me. I hope many, many years; to see my children's children playing at my feet. That vision is so special to me. 

*the ultra rich from families past

**(left out due to laziness;using smartphones for these things is not always convenient)

***i don't expect everyone's love. Although I know and see everyone has it in them. I also know. Not everyone has it in them to follow their hearts. A lot of people do. Maybe even most; but not all. I can accept that may be the case and I move on. 

****not that these things are making me happy. It's that I can stare the distress in the face and say ok. I see you. So what. I chose to be happy. 

***** although truth be told I saw myself in the roles of men in his plays much more so than women's. Even though some seemed kick-ass.  

******its just a much easier way to go about life. Then always having to mistrust. I follow my heart. My gut now. My instincts. Now. I try to. As best I can. It's a learning process. The more you do it the better you get at it. I'm still learning. Staying away from alcohol definitely helps to keep those instincts sharper. That's for sure. For me at least. I'm not saying I am Jesus or trying to compare myself to him. Truly. But I do strive for a lot of his ideals in life. I strive for his connection to God and I do feel it so much during my day. On a soft or not so soft breeze. In the kindness of a stranger. In the gentleness of my daughters hand on my face. In almost anything and anyone. I can see the touch of God.