While I lay in the hospital bed

In the hospital bed
in emergency
while I watched a group of nurses and staff
huddled nearby
watching me
sadly
and I asked myself
why am I here?
how I did I let it get this far?
what is it that brought me here?
and I realized it was hopelessness
I had felt totally and completely hopeless
so when the shrink came
and probed me with questions
leaving after a few minutes
quickly deducing for own satisfaction
that it was a break up
that had pushed me over the edge
I realized not so much that he was wrong
because that may very well have been the catalyst
who's really to know ultimately
but it didn't take away from the fact
that when I looked at my life
I couldn't see a future
I couldn't envision a better way
I didn't feel an ounce of happiness
so the only way that seemed to make sense to me
was out
out of the game

it doesn't make sense
really
not playing the game is not the answer
it is an answer
but not the right one
it's the hardest easy way out
but there is an easier way
that's much harder
but so much better
it's looking at your life
accepting it
and yourself
for what it is
and making the most of it
it's envisioning the future you want to have
and going for it
no matter what happens
or what anyone says
it's believing in yourself
no matter who
wants to paint you into a corner

and if like me (as a teenager)
you can't escape the hell you're in
realize
like all things
that
this too will pass
no matter what it is
and meanwhile
if you must
start creating the life you want inside of yourself
find a place of sanctuary and happiness within yourself
that no one can take away
unless they kill you first
and hey
then at least
it won't be suicide

because while I don't like to believe in superstition
religious or otherwise
I do have at a notion
that killing yourself
is probably the least grateful
and most selfish thing you can probably do
other than killing and hurting others (without their desire for it)
so if you can't get to heaven with the latter
then it probably stands
that you can't get to heaven with the former either
and that is my ultimate goal
to live in such a way
that I get to go to heaven
because I've been there already
and it truly is worth it
it's everything you could ever dream of and more
but most fortunately
I've caught glimpses of living heaven on earth as well
it is most definitely possible
it isn't exactly the same
of course
because it simply can't be
but it's pretty darn fucking spectacular as well
and all it takes is living
a life of deep, true love and pure, unconditional acceptance
for everyone
starting of course with the main player first of course;
yourself